The Day I Cut My Own Hair

I did it.

I mustered all my courage.

Ive always admired people who can just do things like cut all their hair off and not care.

I got sick of my hair. Ive wanted it shorter for months. Like way shorter than its been in many many years.

So, I snipped off my pony tail. All 22cm of it...

And I felt more powerful than I have in a long time. Haha!

Hope Out of Despair #2

Grab a drink and get ready to read....

Straight after our last baby, Mr E, was born and eventually came home, I was adamant I would not have any more children.

During my labour I was informed that "you better stop having babies, your babies keep coming earlier and earlier!!!"

I accepted that was true, it was afterall a fact, and I definitely didnt want to do an earlier one next time round.

So I gave all I had away.

All my baby gear apart from my biggest stuff, as I no longer needed it, I gifted it off. All my clothes, as he grew out of them, gifted.  Everything.

Then, a little over a year ago, I felt completely undone. My heart was breaking and I couldnt understand why.

After some soul searching I realised that suddenly my mind was allowing me to feel the grief of the season we had been through.

And I felt like I was falling apart.

And so it was, allowing myself to feel the pain so that I could be healed, overcome it and be made whole.

And I went through so many emotions.

I would feel angry that other people "got it easy" and took their beautiful full term, just born babies home. Full of joy and celebration.  While I got ripped off, had to fight, and home-coming is agonising hard work (more than a regular newborn - which I have had once).

I felt undone and deep regret that I had been overcome with exhaustion at my newly home baby boys and vented my frustration at them in the night... they cried nearly all night long for weeks on end.

I felt pain at the sheer circumstaces surrounding their births, the loss of control and the inability to do things with for my baby that every mother has a right to do.

I was angry that my babies were almost taken away from me.

I faced the fact that twice my life was on the line.

It was NEVER meant to be like this.

Just deep deep pain. Heart ripped open. And bleeding. And tears. Lots of tears.

At the same time, I felt greatful. Almost guilty for feeling grief.

I was greatful for my life (in a new way)!

I was greatful for the lives of my two sons, one of whom should absolutely not be alive today.

I was greatful for the miracle of a beautiful, healthy child. No long term effects, just perfection.

I was greatful for the people I met, the connections I made, the hospitals, free medical care, midwives, doctors, nurses and teams who so lovingly cared for us and helped to save us.

Not everyone gets the 'happy ending' to their story.

I was greatful for our friends and family, and church family, who did more for us than I could ever say.

So, in the midst of that mess I had to let God come and heal my heart. I had to process my emotions and thoughts.

Its funny how you often think youve dealt with something fully and then suddenly your heart is ripped open and you realise that, no, the pain is there buried deep.

I thinks its so we are not overwhelmed by it- if it all came at once we surely couldnt cope.

Anyway, that was the start of this journey of hope. Agonising hurt. Raw pain.

But I let people in. My nearest and dearest knew my agony.

 I asked people to pray for me, and slowly the agony subsided.

Then I had a dream.

The dream was quite symbolic. I had chosen a 99.9% effective form of contraception mostly because I was terrified of pregnancy.

It went wrong in my body.

The dream was about me getting it out. I knew I needed to get it out.

So then began fear.

Fear is UGLY.

And I was terrified of pregnancy. I was terrified of a repeat or worse of what we'd had. All the what ifs came baring down.

I booked to have it removed and I had a month.

I cried EVERYDAY.

Why?

Well, I couldnt decide whether to make our three kids a permanent three. And time was ticking.

I ended up seeing my GP amd through tears asking how you "know" when you're finished having kids.

She graciously told me that I clearly wasnt ready to decide.

And we talked babies. We talked how my two premmie situations were freak events. We talked how they dont usually repeat themselves. 

And I had a glimpse of hope.

Over the course of time I started to daydream about holding one more baby of my own. About what I would call her/him (mostly her) and how she would look.

I thought of the implications of four. I weighed it up. But I couldnt get it out of my heart.

Meanwhile Dave was in a similar place. Fear, asking questions, yet longing for another.

A couple of months passed. Armed with a couple of dreams, several scriptures and a few support networks, we decided we would try.

We werent used to this baby business taking time....

And it took time.

I was obsessed. I couldnt get this baby out of my head.

I imagined I was pregnant. I had all kinds if very convincing symptoms. I was jealous of people pregnant. Jealous of people pregnant with their fourth! Not in a terrible jealousy way. I just longed. I took test after test. Nothing.

I got a glimpse of the journey of others, in a very, very tiny way. And had more compassion for them.

And I was sick.

I got diagnosed as underactive thyroid. Seriously under active. I had all the symptoms and now my blood showed it.

I told the doctor I wouldnt take medication. (Im not anti medication - this time Iit was just a real conviction I had).

After everything we had been through with hospitals and medicine, I had some promises that this was no longer my story, it was my history. And so I decided I would fight it.

The doctors said "your hormones are all affected. Fertility is affected. Without medication you probably wont conceive." Even then chances of miscarriage were high. I dont need to go through that again.

That day I surrendered my dream of a fourth child. I couldnt live obsessed. I needed to be well.

I also said "Im not having this. This is not my life. This is not happening to me." I was devastated and worried, yet determined to try to overcome without medication.

I researched a tonne. I changed my diet and dramatically shifted both my intake and schedule of coffee drinking. I used essential oils sparingly to try to aid normal hormone levels. I took a thyroid supplement.

I realised I had complete adrenal fatigue. I made the necessary changes to my stress levels and lifestyle. Treat fatigue, treat the thyroid.

I started to feel better!! I got my life back!

Four weeks later, I was pregnant! Pregnant!?!?! What!?

I had repeat bloods a few weeks after and was told....

"You are still slightly underactive. The specialist recommends medication as underactive thyroid can affect the baby... cause mental retardation, premature birth....." and the rest conprised a list of nearly every circumstance surrounding Mr E's birth.

Suddenly. Fear. Ugly fear.

I didnt want to be responsible for a child having long term effects because of my irresponsibility. Yet, ive been given a miracle when it was meant to be impossible.

Enter Soul searching. Heart searching. Prayer. Lots of talking. Dave and I decided to wait a week and get a repeat test. Pray for a miracle. To not act out of fear.

I rang the doctor and decided id get a second opinion from my usual GP. I asked for the thyroid numbers.

I discovered they had improved so much that they were near normal again.

I went to see my other doc, who was amazed at the results and very interested to hear what changes I had made. She agreed to repeat bloods.

The result, NORMAL. yes, NORMAL!!!!

So now Im being monitored. But not needing medicine.

I aslo discovered Id had glandular fever. No wonder I felt like a depressed, no energy or motivation, train wreck everyday.

So here I am, no longer a hypothyroid (thanks be to God), and a 16 week pregnant mama, my fourth on its way.

Taken from complete despair and brokenness, to complete hope, courage to risk again and face turning our dream into a reality. Now awaiting the arrival of this precious one. 100% confident that EVERYTHING will be ok.

In fact this time, Im believing for a full term, beautiful, healthy baby and a great story.

im confident all will be well no matter what.

Its my turn.

And it can be your turn too. Your turn to hope again and risk again.

More next time xxx

Hope Out of Despair #3

Close to the heart.....

When bad things happen to things close to the heart, often we find that our dreams, visions and hopes all come crashing down with it.

Maybe its a difficult season, not tragic, just a constant uphill journey... we get tired.

Maybe its tragedy, our life and all we thought seems to go up in smoke around us... where do we look, how do we move on from here?

Maybe its sickness, ill-health, disease, disillusionment, depression, discouragement.....

Maybe we don't even know what it is...

The reality of life is that there are mountains and there are valleys. No one is immune. Every single person faces trials and challenges.

Its what happens in you, in your heart, in your mind and in your world as a result of the things inflicted upon you. Thats what actually matters.

The truth is, as hard as it is, you CAN choose the outcome. You CAN choose if this thing will mean defeat or if you will walk until there's victory.

Im not saying you dont feel the pain in the moment. Im not saying we ignore grief, our emotions, our feelings or at all pretend that things are ok.

I am saying we can't stay there forever.

We must choose to face, and embrace the season of grief, pain or difficulty in order to move from it into a new season. It may take a long time, but as long as you are still walking through it, keep walking.

If you bury it, you will carry it. And unless it is given opportunity to be healed, it will likely destroy you later in life.

Scientifically its being proven more and more that most sickness and disease can be found rooted in some kind of unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment or brokenness that has resonated within a person for a long time. Sometimes so long the person has forgotten its even there.

We have got to learn to let things go, to let oyrselves be healed and made whole again.

We were designed to be connected with other people, people we trust, those who love and care and help to carry us through (or at least hear us out) during all seasons of life. The good, the bad and the just plain ugly.

We were also designed to be connected to our Creator. A loving God who gave everything for us. And when everything falls apart, He is really the only true and completely faithful friend who can be relied on 100% of the time for 100% of our needs.

If we dont look to Him, we will likely be filling the gap with something or someone else who just cant be that to us.

We were designed to live whole. To not carry the weight of the world. To not carry bitterness, unforgiveness, resentment or pain at our lifes circumstances.  We can try really hard to overcome, but I think most often that we cant truly overcome in our own strength.

We need support and we need the help of Jesus.

So if I could speak to your world today I would tell you to seek Him. To ask Him to help. Even if you dont know Him or doubt His existence. Ask Him to show you who He is.

My life is a story of brokenness, repaired and rebuilt by Him. He is worth knowing. He LOVES you more than you can imagine and He has seen everyday of your life.

He is the only one who can truly "save" us or make us completely whole.

Have courage to try again. Don't let go of the things that you "once" dreamed of.

Walk wisely and sensibly, but get up and walk.

Have hope dear friend. There is hope for change. There is hope for the things you have let die.

While there is breath, there is hope for better things ahead.

Jeremiah 29:11-14a NLT

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the lord.

Much love
Arna x

Hope Out Of Despair

How does one tackle a post about hope.....

I guess the main reason for my sudden re entry into bloggisphere is because I really strongly felt that I wanted, and needed to share my current journey with the world.

I know I get readers from all over the world to my posts about meningitis, Mr A's sudden premature arrival and then Mr E's prem arrival, miracle survival and thriving.

You see, my family has had upheaval after another for four years running. We faced one massive trial after another. My kids almost lost their mama twice, we almost lost two babies, we lived months at a time in and out of hospital and sickness after sickness.

We hadnt done anything wrong. We didn't do anything to deserve what was happening in our world.

It makes me laugh when I think, the two questions I have been asked most often as people discover I am pregnant with number four is 1) was this baby a surprise/planned? And 2) are you going to have a fifth!?

Yes. Our baby was planned. Was it an easy choice? Not by any means.

Am I going to have five...? Not on my watch ;-)

We have always wanted four kids. But our other three havent "come" easy. Sure, we havent had fertility battles and all the heartache that comes with that- (we are so blessed)- but we have had to FIGHT.

And, as you all know.... you eventually get tired of fighting.

So, I'm going to do a mini series on hope.

I read a quote the other day that said "hope says 'lets try one more time'".

I couldnt say it more aptly myself.

So this baby is my hope baby. It is my "lets try one more time". Lets risk it all over again for the sake of what we have so desperately in our hearts.

Lets be hopeful things will be different- but steadfast knowing that even if they aren't, it will be ok. Because our hope is not set on something imaginary. It is set in Someone who has led us down this journey and been with us every moment.

More to come....

What's New Around Here!?

Well, since I last wrote....

1) we sold and moved house.

We live in a home now that we had only dreamed of. Twice the size, beautiful, and better than we could have hoped for. Its a whole story in itself about how it came to be!

2) my miracle baby boy turned one, and then two!!

I was just cuddling him earlier today and remembering how much we are blessed to have him, hold him and love him.

3) Miss Adelaide is now 5 and at school!!

And loving life in her delightful and joyful way as always.

4) Mr A is 3 and loving kindy.

He is still full of fire and fun and testing the waters and boundaries of every and anything. He's amazing.

5) I started and finished my study in Beauty Therapy - one of my life long ambitions.

6) I started working part time

In admin. Its fun :)

7) we worked through all the crazy emotions and grief of the past few years and decided we would risk again.

Im now 14 weeks pregnant with number 4!!

 8) We overcame some serious health issues - refusing medication, by prayer, by nutrition, reducing stressors and using essential oils....

I havent been a hospital patient since March 2013. Thats a massive victory in my house!!!!

Anyway, more about some of the above another time!!

Its Been So Long

My oh my, its been such a long time since Ive been here.

I couldnt decide whether to just start a new blog, or relaunch this one!! But this one is still me and my heart!

So.... watch this space, posts and updates coming soon!!

x

Arna

Confessions of a sugar addict - day 19

the greatest temptation by far so far, is the garlic bread baking in my oven as i write...

winter has arrived, chicken soup is cooking,and my family will enjoy butter smothered garlicy goodness on yummy buns. I, however, will not.

So far i am doing good. I havent had a major breakthru... yet. but i am living without sugar and mostly enjoying a sugar free life. My skin is way better, and i have lost about 3-4kg. pretty happy with that!

anyway, back to my soup!

Confessions of a Sugar Addict and mini holiday

Day 11/42. Well, I feel tired. A bit overwhelmed.

The last couple of days I haven't been feeling too flash. Feel a bit better today though.

My in laws had the kids on Friday night and my hubby surprised me by taking me to Paihia for the night.

We stayed in a lovely place, ate at the restaurant and bubba joined us. He was good, despite it being way past his bedtime, and all the other patrons doted on him.

We met four other lots of people who had a direct correlation to very prem babies themselves...

in fact, one, Mr Woods, bought us a bottle of champagne and had it sent to our room! haha. it felt very American.

We were very well accomodated for, I dont think ive ever stayed in such a friendly, hospitable hotel.

I was true to my fast and remained sugar free for our stay. Not always easy!

I stumbled upon these tasty looking treats... discovering that they are actually soaps made by a woman with NINE kids- called the soap patisserie. This is her evening crafty hobby. pics below...

My prayer for today is that God would show Himself strong on my behalf, so I may be strengthened in this time and able to live in victory. And that He would enable me to learn keys so i can release victory to others!

Confessions of a Sugar Addict day 8/42

Eight days in. It's easier.

Most people are genuinely accomodating of my sugar fast and don't mind me skipping many little luxuries to just eat my chicken salad...

I am satisfied, and I am barely craving a sweet treat after dinner. A cup of hot peppermint tea suffices if I need it.

I'm enjoying plain unsweetened yoghurt with a small amount of fruit, and salted peanuts with a few raisins as a mini treat. Yum.

I feel good, and feel thin on the inside, which goes hand in hand with proper nutrition. No more bloated, overfull or heavy tummies... satisfied, fed, and happy tummy instead ;-)

I've even lost a couple of kgs.

Day eight: day of continued endurance
Feel: good, clean, more balanced. Still have challenges everyday.
Temptation: the other night it was the tiptop 2L tub ice-cream on sale, and thinking of it smothered in caramel sauce and chopped nuts. I left the supermarket WITHOUT it.
Realisation: God is surely helping me in my moments of weakness. I actually can do life like this, have hard and bad days with they kids and not need a sugar fix. 
Prayer: Father I want a breakthrough that impacts me for life. Do away with this addiction completely and help me to find balance in food. Give me new eyes and transform my thinking. Help me give my body good fuel. I surely know the statement 'you are what you eat' is true.

And that's me!  Ps. I even had a yummy creamy homemade Indian curry this Week (I make authentic Indian from scratch) delicious!

X

Confessions of a sugar addict - day 3/42

Onto day three....

Feel: tired, a bit low energy, know my body is changing its sugar for energy conversion to a fat for energy one.

Temptation: everything sugary is calling my name today. Biscuits, muesli bars, icecream. I'm looking away and pressing through by keeping true to myself.

The other night, I dreamt of all kinds of sugary treats- like I was eating them. I kept waking up full of guilt and wondering if i had actually cheated or if it was just a dream!

Prayer: oh God. Help. Give me grace to get through the days that are hard, like today. Help me overcome. May I end these 42 days with a renewed mind when it comes to food and nutrition. Change the way I think!

Below- tandoori beef with coconut cream, my morning coffee with cinnamon and cocoa, and a pear and nutty snack :-)

39 days to go!

Confessions of a Sugar Addict

I'm a sugar addict.

A real life addict.  Sugar is sooo sweet.  It tastes so good and feels so satisfying as it passes my lips, drips down my tastebuds and finally reaches my stomach.  Pure delight, heaven in my mouth.

After a recent hospitalisation and compulsory fasting for 48 hours, then one meal, then more compulsory fasting - I found myself going OVERBOARD on food.

I would eat something then think - "what the heck did I just do that for!"

Having a hard day?  Must eat chocolate.
Having a good day? Must eat chocolate.
Kids finally in bed? Must eat chocolate.
End of the week? Must eat chocolate.
Night in with the hubby? Must eat chocolate.
Out with the girls? Must eat chocolate.
Friends over for tea? Must eat chocolate.
Easter? Must eat chocolate.
Birthday/Christmas/Celebration?  Must eat chocolate.

OK you get the point.  Well, you could take chocolate and replace it with dessert or any other baked delicious goods, sugary awesomeness - or just add it, which is probably the more likely event.

Anyway, I recently was feeling like I need to kick this bad habit.  Feeling 'prompted' to do it.  Well, my response, "I don't want to".

I think this is one of the very first times in my life I have actually wrestled with and deliberately chosen to NOT do what God has asked of me.  For three weeks my response has been, I'd like to, or I know I should, but I just don't want to.  I just "don't want to."  Most unusual for me.

On Sunday something at church finally struck a chord in me, when the Pastor said "I don't do things because I feel like it - I do them because I know it is the right thing to do!"  and I was like, oh, heck, I need to sort myself out.

And so, finally, I have decided I need to deal with this LARGE problem.  In my disobedience I have actually got worse than I have ever been - to the point where I scare myself.  I just don't want to go there.  I've been there before, I vowed to myself that I would never go back there.  I never want to see 'that' number on the scales again.  The number that says this is an epidemic on legs.

So, it leaves me here.  Day ONE of a 42 day sugar fast.

No sugar.  No added sugar.  No sugar replacement.  Unless I don't have an option, no food with added sugar.

This is pretty similar to previous things I have done.  I am a low carber and enjoy it.  But this time, it's different.  While low carbing, I have always allowed myself a couple of pieces of chocolate at the end of the day.  Good chocolate.  Or the odd treat.  This time, it's ZILCH.

It's a fast.

I can't fast completely because I'm breastfeeding.  But I HAVE to kick this.  A month is too short.  Two months is too long.  So 42 days is good.

This will be a stretch.  I need to overcome this... my addiction.  And have sugar as a semi welcome treat but a treat, not a staple part of my diet.

I will try to keep a note of what it's like in very brief terms, and take a few pics of my boring (or not so boring) food and post in semi regularly with updates.  You can follow me on instagram if you want #42daysugarfast

Day one: today is the day of motivation. 
Feel: optimistic yet overwhelmed. 
Temptation: the brown sugar from the family breakfast was sitting on the table screaming my name.  I eliminated it by putting it in the pantry.
Realisation: you can enjoy the quality of real flavours and food when it's not full of sugar.
Prayer: Lord, help me to realise that you truly "satisfy me more than the richest of food" - Psalm 63.5

Talk to ya soon
Arna

And so it is done!

For over two years now, coming close to three- we've been waiting on a dream.

Waiting... wondering... pondering... sometimes struggling... usually believing.

We have wanted to sell our home.

We've wrestled with our dream over and over.  At first it started with an "I gotta get outa here" feeling.  I didn't grow up with neighbours, and then I acquired five very close neighbours and one that is there a couple of mornings a week.

I felt like I lived in a fishbowl.

We've done circles over and over about the dream, whether it is the 'right' thing to do, whether we should... having the "maybe we should stay, work hard, pay the mortgage, do a few jobs on the place and see how we go"

We bought in the very month that the housing market peaked in 2007.  It was an absolute we would lose money.  This was painful on a young couple who have worked very, very hard to pay as much of our mortgage as we physically could over the 5.5 years we have had it.  Not to mention the accountant I married.

No matter what the struggles, questions or musings, one thing never left - the desire to sell our home.

Over the course of time we have had it privately on the market, then with an agent, then moved out for nine months and had a tenant, then moved back and re-listed with an agent.

We started off incredibly hopeful, we had people through and it got to the point where some came for a second look and were heading to the bank.  We never heard back from them.  We had open homes, and for many of them no one would turn up.

Picture this... turning my family upside down spending all of Saturday cleaning frantically to have the place immaculate.  Chasing the kids around Sunday morning picking up every loose crumb, every strayed toy, pushing them out the house to church so that it remained tidy... arriving home full of anticipation to a card that said "there was no one through today" - week after week after week.

Still, we moved out to house-sit my parent's in laws house and were there for nine months of 2012.  We shifted back both with agreeance that we want to sell, and re-listed.  We had people through our open homes, but there was always a reason they weren't interested.  Sometimes there was no one through.  Then there was weeks of nothing.  Deadness.

This time there was much less effort on my part.  Inintially I was heavily pregnant, then began having complications.  So the house was tidy but not immaculate.  Then I had bubba so there were weeks of open homes for a house that was 'average' tidyness with me having nothing to do with it.

About three weeks ago, our neighbour listed her house on the market.  At first I was a bit resentful.  It was a much higher price than ours and we have been hanging out for this for so long.  Then I felt like God spoke to me and said "pray that she sells her house."  Initially I was surprised, taken aback, pray someone else, right next door, sells their house!? That's ridiculous.  But then I just felt like it was the right thing to do and so I whole-heartedly prayed she would sell her house quickly, just like she wanted to.

She had one open home and then had a contract on the house.  My response was joy.  Really, hey - God answered my prayer - cool for her.  But there was a little ache of - what about me God!!?

Him and I have had a monologue going on about our house for quite a while now.  About once a week I would have a bit of a melt down to Him about it.  I think He got fed up, cause then He just said "you can sell your house and buy another anyday, but if you wait, you will get my best" - I figured that was a "you're wearing me out - shuuush already!!"

He has told me many times - even right at the start "it is already done".  Then "I will do it soon" - what is His soon anyway!?  then just "I will sell your house".  Every time I asked, it was the same response.  In the natural, this has seemed completely impossible.  Smack in a recession, people not wanting to buy, non-committal viewers and a funny shaped house - nothing much in our favour.

Anyway, I was visiting my grandmother and we were discussing my home and I just confessed that I was so downhearted.  My uncle suggested that we should take it off the market and in six months re-list it higher.  My instant internal response was "NO! that is not what we want".  We had already lowered our price to $30k les than we paid for the house.

I came home and felt desperately flat.  It was the worst day in the entire process.  To me, it just seemed I had come to the point of our circumstances being the exact opposite of our dream.  We have three kids, in quite a small home.  We LOVE hosting people, we are musicians, we struggle to do things we love because our kids sleep directly above our living quarters and hear every ounce of noise.

I reminded myself there are people in smaller homes with larger families, and was greatful for what I have, but my heart was sinking.

I cried out to Him - God, please, if you are going to sell our home like I feel you have promised, please do something today outside of me and myself!  Please show me in some other way that you are going to do it, please, please.

Within an hour the phone rang.  Our agent.  Down the road with an investor who initially didn't want to look at our house, but she had persuaded to come in and view.  Could she come RIGHT NOW!?  Anyone who has one child, let alone three (including a small baby and a toddler) would know that turning up at a family home out of the blue means you would likely find a bit of a mess.  But this, a potential buyer - aaah!  I said yes of course.

Thankfully the house wasn't too bad, there were toys everywhere an overloaded nappy bin in the baby's room and our room was a pigstye, but still, the lady said it wasn't messy.

She was really kind.

I knew at this point that His promise was true, He was going to sell our house, His way, His time and we just had to rest and wait.

Later, the phone rang again, can we have a 'second view' please - on Monday.  HECK yes!

Mowed lawns, finished garden, finished projects, replaced curtains kids had ripped, did washing, cleaned rooms, checked cupboards, tidied house, scrubbed bathroom, vacuum cleaned, made beds and out we were...

She offerred that night.

We declined, wanting a better price. I felt to go with what my man suggested, I doubted so bad and wanting to take the offer and run, but I knew what I was to do. It was a little test, my hubby said if this was God's answer to our need then the lady will go up by 5k. If she did not, we were to refuse her offer.  She did.  This is a cash offer, instant unconditional, solely dependent on a brief builders inspection to ensure there was no large jobs to be done.  The builders came that afternoon and it was all signed and sealed... and done.  Tears flowed.

Sparkling beverages, icecream and caramel sauce all flowed.  We are overjoyed.  Our Father has kept His promise to us and in a very, very short swift move of His hand - took it from impossible to done.

I cannot begin to explain what it is to have such a major battle won.  This has been a real dream for us for a long time.  We have no idea what is next, but we know we are in the right place.

So more than this story, here is what I really wanted to say....

I know for sure - what happened in my heart between the initial desire to sell our house, and the actual sale is far more important than the promise fulfilled.

I had let the lack of seeing the fulfillment of this dream become an excuse not to pursue other dreams.  I had a wrong attitude about my house, which was originally a great thing that the Lord did for us in helping us get it in the first place.  I had been ungreatful and sometimes, I had despised it.

When we moved out, we both became so greatful for our home.  Our warm, loving home with our colour schemes and our deck in the sun and all the beautiful things we had worked so hard to do.  We longed to be back.  And since we have been back, we have been greatful.  We have tried to be thankful for it everyday, thankful for our neighbours and all the little things.  I would even thank God that it is small enough for me to clean completely in half to a full day - a real good clean, because bigger houses are much more work.

We realised that we had found excuses to not pursue other things - like hosting people regularly and being a blessing to others.  I had this sense that we needed to "occupy until He comes" - to pursue our other dreams despite our situation - and know that if we focussed on His Kingdom, He will bring the other things to pass.

My attitude is different.  I am no longer on the escape to fulfill my selfish needs to have a bigger and/or better home.  Now it is all about what I am able to do with what He has put in my hand.  If I have more in my hand I am able to do more.

I just wanted to write this as a testimony to the faithfulness of God.  I have journalled this process and as I read back I discover that it has been just as He said it would. 

Yes, we have lost a lot of money - but He is abounding in faithfulness and goodness and in light of who He is and what He is doing, the money doesn't matter.

He doesn't save us from our ways, He just has higher ways.  The collision of our ways with His is where we face the choice of who's way it will be.  He will always have His in the end.

Release blessing on other people who are doing what you want or living their dreams.  Life's not a competetion, we need every piece of the puzzle, every person to live their dreams.

I truly believe that this year is a year where we as a people have stepped into a season of fulfillment.  We have closed a chapter on many things and turned to a new page, almost like a brand new book.

We are beginnng to see promises and dreams fulfilled - some we have held dear for many years.  Included in this are some things which we thought were a long way off - something for much, much later in life - but time is of the essence and in this He is heaping time upon time as He prepares His people for great and glorious things.  We must actively cease the day and live in pursuit of the things we hold dear, not hoping for them for "someday" but living like they are possibilities any day now.

All I can say on this day is, hold onto your dreams.  When the time is right He will release them to you completely, wholly and fully and with great haste.  And you will marvel at His wonder.  He is so good.

Yummy guilt free yoghurt treat

Now I don't know about you, but I'm pretty disgusted to know that one small pottle of yoghurt has between 4-5 tsps of sugar in it.

Natural and added- read the stats on the back.

Anyway its not very low carb friendly but this is an alternative that has become a regular favourite of me and the hubby.... yummy, easy, mostly sugar free and therefore guilt free...

3/4 cup plain unsweetened greek yoghurt
1/3 tsp Vanilla paste (expensive but goes a long way)
Handful of blueberries (could substitute any berries or frozen berries.

Put in cup, mix and serve

Yum! If you're a sugar addict it might take a bit of getting used to, or add extra sugar- but this really is much better than bought stuff :-)

Happy house party

Sometimes you just need a little family fun.

Dave brought home a pack of balloons on the weekend and the kids proceeded to have them all blown up.

We promised if they would wait until Monday, we would blow up the whole packet and have a 'happy house party' that night.

We had party friendly food- chicken nuggets, sausage rolls, watermelon and salad as well as pink milk... all followed by icecream sundaes. Complete with chocolate cracking sauce and sprinkles.

I think suddenly I remembered family should be fun and we must do this again soon!! (Maybe not the sundae bit).

Creme Brulee Recipe!

I have to apologise for my lack of photo laden blog posts...

While having my phone connected to blogger is awesome, I am yet to figure out how to actually place pictures in the blog post... I'm not even sure you can do this - it just wants to put them at the end of the post.

And the beauty of smartphones, is that now I'm too lazy to be bothered turning on the computer to do a post. haha.

Anyway, my hubby has been begging me for weeks to make him Creme Brulee.  It's not really part of a healthy eating regime, but I was surprised to find it doesn't use too much sugar and therefore is a semi low carb treat.

We didn't do anything spectacular for Valentine's Day... put it this way, I'd just recovered from a cold, Mr A had an ear infection & conjunctivitis, Miss L then contracted the cold with +40 degree temps, hallucinations etc in the night and hubby had a cold.... valentines fell in the midst of this.

Still, I found some loving enough to make him creme brulee.... and here is my variation of the recipe:

Don't be put off by the steps - REAL easy to make.  This will serve 4-6 people easily.  I made half this and it made two very LARGE portions or three perfect sized portions...

Ingredients:

• 600ml cream
• 1 vanilla bean, split and seeds scraped (or 1-2T Hansell's vanilla extract / OR 1 large tsp Hansell's vanilla paste - both available from New World supermarkets)
• 6 egg yolks (save the whites and make a quiche or omelette ;-)
• 1/4c caster sugar (I actually used half this amount and it was still YUM! but I'm used to not having things too sweet)
• 120g demerara sugar (I used raw sugar and it works just fine)

Method:

1. Preheat oven to 120 degrees celcius
2. Place cream and vanilla bean/seeds/extract/paste into pot and bring to scalding point (almost boiling) on medium heat - this does not take long!!
3. Whisk together egg yolks and caster sugar together in a bowl until pale in colour (2-3 minutes)
4. Remove vanilla pod from cream and pour over the egg yolks, whisking until well combined
5. Pour into ramekins (fills 4 x 200ml) or, you can make it in one large dish (I haven't done this)
6. Carefully place into a roasting pan or similar dish.  Fill the dish to halfway up the ramekins with boiling water (to create a water bath)
7. Loosely cover with foil and bake for 35-40 mins until JUST set (looks really wobbly)
8. Remove from water bath and set aside to cool
9. Sprinkle demerara sugar evenly over top of the baked custards (about 1 heaped tsp per custard should do it) and place under max heat grill until sugar bubbles and caramelises (watch them) or be fancy and blow-torch them ;)
10. Serve immediately

YUUUUM this stuff is like, velvety smooth & delicious.  If you chill it in the fridge I suggest covering with gladwrap while you chill it.  Stops the top drying out.

Recipe courtesy of masterchef Australia: http://www.masterchef.com.au/recipes/crme-brulee.htm

I'm a Finalist....

So I entered a competition.

I didn't think much of my chances, so I popped a little story about me and my last couple of years of heaven on earth (not). Then I thought nothing of it.

Out of all the entrants, they narrowed it to six very deserving mummas. (All mummas are deserving). I am one of them.

I had to do a panel interview and get asked LOTS of questions bout weaknesses and dreams and goals and how my friends would describe me and the support networks around me etc.

This competetion is like a dream come true. A second chance after making a huge mistake.

Its a 'mummy to yummy' package worth thousands of dollars for a six month total transformation.

My vision of the result would be a fit, lean, toned, happy and healthy woman with a new outlook on diet and exercise and how vital it is to wellness and life. I already know a bit, but I'm keen for more.

It includes personal training, life coaching, nurtition consultations, massage and other things, and is finished off with a full makeover, clothing, a photoshoot and article for a magazine.

I find out on the weekend coming.

I'm trying to not get too excited so I won't get disappointed if I'm not successful.

This would just be the icing on the cake to years of effort after getting up to almost 100kg a few years back. I'm hopeful it would right the mistakes in my body that I haven't yet corrected.

It will be hard work, an emotional journey as much as physical and spiritual- and I will have to rely on people for help with my poppets, but I am so keen.

Here's hoping!! If I win, I promise to blog about it, although there will be other things I have to do (like weekly video updates etc).

Good times. (What have I got myself in for!!!?)

Our mini holiday

Nothing like a family holiday... especially a rushed one. Hehe.

3 days away has its many benefits, and its unpleasant bits too.

We got to Auckland just fine. Found our octopus arms and managed ok without dropping our gear more than twice.

Checked in our bag, our three carseats and our five people. Ate dinner.

Missed the call to board our plane so got our names called over the loud speaker. Hehe.

Got on the plane and flew to new plymouth, no trouble. 'Sure beats driving!' The hubby remarked. Until the plane tried to land... three times.

We flew down on a steep angle, wheels down, next thing about 100m from the ground we were launching up on a steep angle.  This repeated and after the third attempt we turned back to auckland. I was feeling rather ill by this point. I only feel non motion sick today- felt sick in cars or planes the whole trip. We were all tired, hungry and not knowing when we will get to new plymouth or where we would stay for the night... while trying to make it an adventure for miss 3 to avoid concern...

We jammed into Air NZ paid accomodation for the night. A nice hotel, the kind with the silky sheets that crunch when you move. Luxury for us, sheer torture with a super wriggly 1 and 3 year old in the bed next door. Hence, Mr A slept on the carpet. Which was equally luxurious I might add. Mr E slept in the bathtub on his mattress and sometime well after midnight we were settled for the night. 520am up to catch the bus to the airport so we can catch a 650am plane back to New Plymouth... the rest is history. Had a lovely time, cousins played beautifully, adults shared yummy meals, glasses of yummy drinks and chatter about various topics. On our last day we drove up Mt Taranaki- which even had a little snow on the top (hence the inability to land), visited an uber child friendly cafe, ate massive icecreams, flew to Auckland and then took in excess of four hours to drive home with grumpy and hungry boys... Still, as we lay in our bed we both acknowledged that we survived and that it was worth it :-) a

Recipe for adventure...

Todays recipe....
3 small children
4 bags of gear, clothes, blankeys, special toys, nappies and bottles
1 long car ride
1 short (if you call any flying with three small children 'short') plane ride
Arrival post bedtime

Directions: load the three small children in the car. Find space for the four bags of gear. Pick up coffee to retain some form of adult sanity. Put the dummy in the babies mouth. Drive around for a while and hope like anything that the two smallest ones fall asleep.
Discover you have arms like an octopus as you juggle 3 kids, 3 carseats and 4 bags at the airport (thankfully 3 bags are childrens backpack sized). Eat dinner at the airport. Get on the plane at almost bedtime. Hope you are seated away from people staring (hehe). Blend all of this together in a confined space with capacity for 40 adults and quite a few thousand feet in the air.
Get out, get car, drive to destination, settle children to bed then relax and enjoy....

One 3 day holiday to Taranaki to visit my brother, sister-in-law and my beautiful niece and nephew.

Wish me luck!! Hehe.

The Higher Call of Living

I'm hiding from my kids... I should get a better hiding place, not in the lounge, and wondering if I really should have yet another coffee today.

Yip it's one of those days... bubba is sleeping. I'm trying to get him into a better day pattern. Poor kid gets dragged all over the show he doesn't quite know when to sleep or not. At least he (usually) knows night is for sleep.

He thinks the carseat is some kind of torture, like, going into it suddenly causes an onset of baby insomnia and episodes of crying whenever the vehicle ceases to move.

They're funny these little people. Such personalities while still so young and small. They know what they do and don't like and just how to tell you.

In all its frustrations and delights I often find myself thinking over how to raise these little people, discipline and teach them, while fully enabling them to be confident in who they are and what they are capable of.

Never before have children been so free to discover who they are and live their dreams like the generation being born right now.

There is no ceiling, no limitations in what they are able to accomplish if they really want to.

My hubby and I have noticed lately.... in the childrens books of our parents, there is a recurring theme of being 'small' - being in a safe world and staying well within your safe little comfort zone. Being confined and definitely not stepping out or trying to break the mold... and if you did, right back to the safe little place you go once you discover the world is big and bad and you simply cannot break out.

What a message to send to a generation. And, they largely lived within the parameters of that. It was and is very difficult being of that generation and not fitting the mold.

Then you get todays books.... living dreams, trying everything and anything. You are capable and competent. You are incredible. The world is waiting for you to be!

And somewhere in between there was a revolution, and we didn't even know it.

My generation, our generation, is crying out for freedom. For social change that enables. We are beginning to see people that rise up and live their dreams as amazing, rather than crazy or silly. We want to do it too. We want to break the mold and the holds of society on us.

We're discovering who we are and who we were made to be. And we're ok with that and have found that in being that, we are the closest to free we have ever been.

What's more, we have people rising up... in pockets all over the world, who are prepared to or are fighting for anothers right to that same freedom. What a stage we have set before us.

I believe we are the closest to a radical shift that the world has seen in a long time.

So how do we raise a generation facing possible impossibilities for their future?  I mean, while freedom is great, and we want it and need it - there are good and bad in both scenarios.

How do we find a balance between chasing our dreams, living our dreams, and facing the reality of life and what is necessary to make life good and make life work...

The large majority in our parents' generation know how to work hard. Get a job, have a job and keep a job.  They know how to turn up on time, keep house and yard, cook a meal from scratch.  They know how to save money and work towards a reward, how to start at the bottom and work towards the top.

Somewhere in the revolution, we have a whole bunch of people who are living their 'freedom' all the while acting like the world completely owes them something. 

They don't know how to get a job, work hard and keep a job.  They don't keep time, don't know how to do basic things around a house, they couldn't cook a basic staple meal from cupboard ingredients....  and they don't know how to start at the bottom and work for something better.  The amount of people with horrendous debt is shocking.

For example - I am astounded at how few young people have their driver's licence, their own car or a part-time job now a days.  They want to have the latest stuff, go to the beach, the movies, shopping - wherever and whatever, but they don't want or in some cases even see the need to pay their way, make a fair contributionor at least work to finance the newest thing.

I got a part-time job and my licence as soon as I was old enough, I learnt to drive, and as soon as I had saved enough money, paid for my very own first car.  I paid for the petrol, the warrants and registration, and the insurance.  I bought my very first cellphone and always paid for the top ups.  We help in a youth ministry, and the outside of 'church' setting, the activities we can do are limited - because virtually none of the youth drive, let alone have a car...

Somewhere while entagled in the idea of freedom, people have become so idealistic that they expect everything to come knocking at their door - instead of involving hard work, which leads to increasing levels of freedom... they want to chase their dreams, but neglect the responsibility that comes with life as an adult.

It is true when we hear that saying "they want what their parent's have now, without the sacrifice and hard work their parents put in to get it"

I want to raise kids that are well rounded individuals... to do enough for them that they have what they need and some of what they want, but that they recognise and have incentive to work hard and reap the rewards and self-respect that come from earning an honest living.

Hopefully balance can be found somewhere around here....

• work = money.  Learn how to save it, spend it and give it
• every person is valuable and deserves respect and dignity, including yourself
• life is not always fair, your turn will come
• work hard, play hard, be fair
• arrive on time
• discover who you are and what you are good at, and do that
• don't spend most of your time trying to overcome your weaknesses.  Do what you can do and do it well
• encourage others
• make good choices for yourself
• tackle challenges, face your fears
• it's ok to make mistakes
• say sorry, apologies are valuable
• pray everyday
• be thankful
• learn to drive, get a car, get your full licence
• relationships are more important than anything else
• give to others without expectation
• look after your spirit, your soul and your body
• have only a few non-negotiable rules
• find your place, rise up and give it 100%
• let other's have their opinions, and you have yours
• don't forget to live - especially while you're waiting for the next big thing
• live for a greater cause than yourself and your family
• there is always more

Its time to study hard, work hard, do well at what you are supposed to be doing and see the world change. It really can become a better place for the generations to come, and with all we've been given, it should!

Today may your eyes be opened to the world of possible impossibilties around you, and what is in your hand to do...

Fit and food low down - check in

I have lost 6kg! Oh my! I am surprised.

This week another 1.4kg bit the dust..... dun dun dun.... another one bites the dust (hehe)

I went for 2 good walks and tried to up my exercise in general. I've had several appointments in the mornings which have interfered with my goal of walking every week day.

I still want to get to that goal.

I am stoked to see the scales going down as I started to wonder why it seemed progress has slowed. I added the extra exercise and it has helped.

I even had a small helping of icecream one night and this didn't interfere. Several weeks in I always remember why I love eating so well, my body feels so alive. I feel thin on the inside (the outside still has to catch up) and just strong and healthy.

Anyway I still have 8kg to be at my first goal but I want to go about 3kg less than that. So 10-11kg to go!

Getting there! Hopefully a couple of months will see me much closer to my goal.

So there you have it. I could start my own 'arnaharrisbikinibodychallenge' hehehe snicker snicker.

Ps. I do NOT have a bikini body even in the slightest ;-)