Confessions of a Sugar Addict

I'm a sugar addict.

A real life addict.  Sugar is sooo sweet.  It tastes so good and feels so satisfying as it passes my lips, drips down my tastebuds and finally reaches my stomach.  Pure delight, heaven in my mouth.

After a recent hospitalisation and compulsory fasting for 48 hours, then one meal, then more compulsory fasting - I found myself going OVERBOARD on food.

I would eat something then think - "what the heck did I just do that for!"

Having a hard day?  Must eat chocolate.
Having a good day? Must eat chocolate.
Kids finally in bed? Must eat chocolate.
End of the week? Must eat chocolate.
Night in with the hubby? Must eat chocolate.
Out with the girls? Must eat chocolate.
Friends over for tea? Must eat chocolate.
Easter? Must eat chocolate.
Birthday/Christmas/Celebration?  Must eat chocolate.

OK you get the point.  Well, you could take chocolate and replace it with dessert or any other baked delicious goods, sugary awesomeness - or just add it, which is probably the more likely event.

Anyway, I recently was feeling like I need to kick this bad habit.  Feeling 'prompted' to do it.  Well, my response, "I don't want to".

I think this is one of the very first times in my life I have actually wrestled with and deliberately chosen to NOT do what God has asked of me.  For three weeks my response has been, I'd like to, or I know I should, but I just don't want to.  I just "don't want to."  Most unusual for me.

On Sunday something at church finally struck a chord in me, when the Pastor said "I don't do things because I feel like it - I do them because I know it is the right thing to do!"  and I was like, oh, heck, I need to sort myself out.

And so, finally, I have decided I need to deal with this LARGE problem.  In my disobedience I have actually got worse than I have ever been - to the point where I scare myself.  I just don't want to go there.  I've been there before, I vowed to myself that I would never go back there.  I never want to see 'that' number on the scales again.  The number that says this is an epidemic on legs.

So, it leaves me here.  Day ONE of a 42 day sugar fast.

No sugar.  No added sugar.  No sugar replacement.  Unless I don't have an option, no food with added sugar.

This is pretty similar to previous things I have done.  I am a low carber and enjoy it.  But this time, it's different.  While low carbing, I have always allowed myself a couple of pieces of chocolate at the end of the day.  Good chocolate.  Or the odd treat.  This time, it's ZILCH.

It's a fast.

I can't fast completely because I'm breastfeeding.  But I HAVE to kick this.  A month is too short.  Two months is too long.  So 42 days is good.

This will be a stretch.  I need to overcome this... my addiction.  And have sugar as a semi welcome treat but a treat, not a staple part of my diet.

I will try to keep a note of what it's like in very brief terms, and take a few pics of my boring (or not so boring) food and post in semi regularly with updates.  You can follow me on instagram if you want #42daysugarfast

Day one: today is the day of motivation. 
Feel: optimistic yet overwhelmed. 
Temptation: the brown sugar from the family breakfast was sitting on the table screaming my name.  I eliminated it by putting it in the pantry.
Realisation: you can enjoy the quality of real flavours and food when it's not full of sugar.
Prayer: Lord, help me to realise that you truly "satisfy me more than the richest of food" - Psalm 63.5

Talk to ya soon
Arna

The best job in the world...

My check in for the week.

Tuesday is weigh in/measure day.

I hate doing it on a Tuesday.  I am a Monday girl.  Start the week, weigh in and measure.  But when I started my new eating plan I quit the junk on Monday and started Tuesday.

I am one of those people who says, oh well, it's Tuesday, I will start on Monday - and then spends the rest of the week over-indulging knowing that I am supposed to start eating good come Tuesday.  This time I just bit the bullet and began.  I can't force myself to weigh in a day early to get to a Monday weigh in.  I'm a bit pedantic. hehe.

Anyway, I have lost another 1.3kg and a few more cm from the main parts of my body.

I still haven't mastered the exercise, but kindy resumes tomorrow and I'm hoping to find a 30 minute out each morning after kindy drop off to pile the boys into the pram and go for a walk. 

My eldest baby is starting morning kindy tomorrow!  People always tell you when you have littlies, time goes so fast.  It hardly ever feels like it at the time.  But when the day rolls over and your child enters the education system, even if its a half day, 5 days a week - you suddenly realise, time actually DOES go fast.

And as the littlest one looks up at me with his big blue eyes, I can't help but think that this stage of life, with babies in arms, needing lots of time, cuddles in laps, being brought crumpled flowers, having full, clean dishracks pulled off the bench to the floor... tornado worthy destruction in and out of the house every day, kids at my ankles, never ending hungry tummies and a little bit of chaos in every waking moment - it's short.  And you know what - it's a lot of fun.  It is totally worth it.

People have looked at me a bit sideways, seeing me out and about - I probably look like chaos on legs.  A 3 year old in the near distance, chasing a daring toddler and lugging a capsule along for the ride.  Someone commented about how busy I look...I just looked around with a big grin and said "I LOVE it!"

I have never felt more settled, more content and more happy in my role as a mum of little ones than I do right now.  My babies are beautiful, they make me laugh, they drive me wild, but they are SO awesome.  I have taken a long time to feel like this part of my life is ok.  This is what I'm doing, and it's ok.  In fact, it's good.

The pay isn't great, and as for rewards - it's incomparative to the business world which I clung to, now some 4 years ago.  It might be 5 minutes of quiet for a coffee on the deck, a big cheeky grin, watching someone master a new tunnel or height that they haven't yet scaled, say a new word or sleep an extra hour at night, a big sloppy kiss or just to play nicely with the other sibling for 10 minutes - but the real rewards are eternal.

These are artworks, but they carry their own brushes.  I must provide the materials, the paint, the studio for the beginning stages - but at some point, they will be displayed in the great exhibition of life. The strokes that they make with their brushes will be those that shape their worlds, and more so, change their worlds and the worlds of others. 

The investment requirement is 100%. All or nothing.  The hours are long, with a permanent on-call basis, the job description ever changing, task-list never ending.  Seems a crazy business deal. 
You don't quite realise what you've signed up for when the contract first arrives, even though you've read ALL the small print.

But the best job on earth? Some days, I think it comes pretty close.

I'm a foodie....

I'm a foodie.  There, I said it.

I love food.  I love choosing it, smelling it, touching it, slicing it, preparing it, baking it, frying it, cooking it, serving it, and most of all, eating it.  I LOVE the eating part.

But to be honest, I'm an addict.  That sounds hilariously funny, because we all need food to survive (obviously), but when you get down to the raw truth, I am addicted to food.  And coffee.

Not all food.  I can't openly proclaim that I am addicted to sprouts or vegetables or fruit or anything disgusting.  But I am definitely addicted to the good stuff.

I totally love preparing food, baking etc.  For others and for myself.  I love it too much.

I often get asked the question... like how do you go from

to

and, even more common - how do you look like

within a few months of having a baby.....  it doesn't really end.

My answer is usually hard work.  Because that's virtually the nuts and bolts of it.

The fact that I get asked nearly everywhere I go, nearly everyday, tells me that there are plenty of people out there who have the same problem as me.  As a society, we seem to classify addicts as people to who take drugs, or who smoke or have these habitual 'bad' problems that affect their health/wealth etc adversely.... well, I'm pretty sure obesity and too much extra weight can have adverse health problems too.

Most people I talk to want to know and seem to think I have some great level of self control.  And sometimes I do.  Most often, I don't.  I have a degree of self control for a season of time that I know will end.  And then my self control runs out.

Addict - to habituate or abandon (oneself) to something compulsively or obsessively.

So, that classifies eating when not hungry... or eating beyond full - as an addiction.  (as well as lots of other things I'm sure).

This has been a struggle for me lately.  When it is cold, raining, and I'm bored and feeling a bit sorry for myself - I eat.  That's how I got so large in the first place.  I ate when I was stressed and feeling emotional - to help me feel better.  So I'm back to square one and if I don't sort it out, it will get out of control.

But here is the raw truth to how I have got to where I am right now.... (where I am being a healthy weight for my height)

1) I admitted that I had a problem.  In fact, I am the problem.

2) I stopped blaming everything and everyone else for my situation.

3) I recognised that to change my life and my future, with God's help, only I could do that.  I could not change it for anyone else, not for my hubby, not for my kids, not for anyone else... for me.

4) I recognised that the problem was 'bigger than me' and that I needed HIS help EVERYDAY.

5) I saw what I was, and I saw that if I continued, I would not be able to run around with my children, to play with them like I wanted to, and that I couldn't give them the future I dreamed of.

6) I recognised the example I was setting for them

7) I decided to do it, and I did it.

I don't necessarily think there is any one way of achieving weight loss.  I have a method, and it works.  I know it would work for anyone, but not everyone can apply the same degree of dedication and restriction that I do in order to achieve results.  But I think, what it truly boils down to, is that when we see and recognise that it is me and my problem, we can actually deal with it if we want to.

I'm not going to look over my shoulder and hope that someone will come knocking on my door with an ounce  (or tonne) of motivation... for any area of my life.  Though accountability works, hence my straight up post.

I had to face huge emotional hurdles to be where I am today.  I had to face up to myself, to issues with other people that I had bottled up and locked away inside me.  To excuses I had to be how I was.  I had to replace my addiction to food with something else for the times when I felt sad/bored/lonely/whatever it may be.

I replaced it by 'being' with Jesus.  You might think I'm a freak.  And frankly, I don't care anymore.  Because I know He is alive and real and He is the only one who has the power to give us victory that lasts forever.

I am honest about life and my struggles.  That is how I am made to be.  That is how He made me to be.

When I 'be' with Him, the problems of life, what people say and do to me, the lonely feelings, the boredom and whatever else - well, it melts away.  It doesn't matter so much when I'm with Him.  And when I leave my 'being with' Him... they still don't matter so much...  I don't live a blissful life where problems are non-existant and I am not so thick skinned that what people say and do just wash off me...  in fact, I feel things incredibly deeply.  But I have learned to take those things to the only one who can wash them off me and make me new again.  And I have learned that by talking about them, and honestly communicating about them, I am made more free and others are given a taste of what can be available.

I am the first to admit - I do not have the victory over food that I want.... Yet.  I want to be at a place that when I am feeling low and bingey or craving, that I don't bake something and eat half of what I made for lunch.... instead of lunch.... or in addition to lunch.  Where I am satisfied by what I eat and I enjoy the extras.  Life is not made to not enjoy food.  I don't think that living a rigid life of plain, boring and healthy food forever and never letting a morsel of goodness pass the lips would work for many people... it certainly wouldn't for me.  I love chocolate, and sugar and all the good stuff.

But I'm in pursuit of a victory that leaves me satisfied.  That suddenly goes, hey, I'm feeling a bit low today - I'll go be with Jesus for a while and then I'll be ok.  

Or, I'll bake for my family, and I will be able to open the fridge or cupboard and not have to eat some of the baking every time.

I once heard someone say that being an overcomer is where in a battle, you win at least 51% of the time.  I think that's a good starting place to aim for.  That's where I'm going to aim.

So, today, instead of hiding from your battle, why don't you choose for yourself that you will 'opt in' to a life of freedom.  See, I want to be free.  I want to live in freedom so badly and not be swayed by all the earthly things.  Living from the perspective of heaven is so much better.

It means that we get just a bit real about life, about our battles and all that stuff.  We get real with ourselves, we get real with others, and most importantly, we get real with Jesus.  (who already knows ALL of your issues anyway).

Take your battle, and try 'being' with Him.  I promise you it will change your life.

xx

My Year in Progress....

So, I'm reviewing the last 8 months of my year...

This post here reminded me that I needed to do this.  See, it's kind of hanging over me a bit.

Well, so far, this year has been much of what 2010 brought.  Difficulty.  Thankfully, the difficulty has a ribbon of triumph weaved through it all.

God gave me this scripture for 2010 -

You crown the year with a bountiful harvest; even the hard pathways overflow with abundance. The wilderness becomes a lush pasture, and the hillsides blossom with joy. The meadows are clothed with flocks of sheep, and the valleys are carpeted with grain. They all shout and sing for joy!" - ps 65.11-13

I'm now claiming it for this season

Some of my "goals" I have not been able to physically achieve (ie exercise through pregnancy) - because of illness.  But I still have a few months left to try to get the others under my belt.

My wee boy is 6 weeks old now - and as a family we've decided we're in need of some healthy eating regime.  I love cooking, baking and entertaining.  Even more, I love eating.  So we've been loaded up on plenty of sugary goodness over the last few months and both hubby and I are a little worse off for it.

You may remember one of my goals was to lose weight while breastfeeding.  Last time, I couldn't knock about 7 of the pregnancy kgs until I stopped.  This time, I'm hoping to knock the last off.  And it is 7kgs! lol. fancy that!

I hear gasps from half of you - so just for the record, I'm not going to do be a diet freak.  I'm not going hard out low carb like I would if I wasn't breastfeeding - but I am making good choices.  I will aim for slow and steady loss & toning.  If I see bubba get affected by it, I will make alterations.

So instead of my weetbix or toast for brekky, I'm opting for whole-grain rolled oat porridge.  (OMGOSH).

The plan is also to do moderate exercise.  After all, I am supposed to be doing a triathlon in April with this lovely lady.  So I'm thinking if I start now and work up slowly, I'll be ready to do some more intense training in the new year (hahaha).

Perhaps I will add a weekly review of how this is going and some stats of my hoped-for weight loss.  The real aim for me is fitness, and toning up of my whole body my "fatty bits".

As for the other goals:

try to be a little bit tidier - I can say, I am definitely achieving this one!  I actually thought this was the least likely for me to achieve.  And I'm doing it naturally now!

be more encouraging - I would hope this to be true, but I haven't made as much effort as I would of liked.  Thankfully I still have a few months left.

look for God and gold in people - still working on this - and probably will be forever.

draw God and gold out of people - am doing this!

have even more of an open home - definitely improved, but want to be even better.

get to know more people - definitely achieved this one - ay bloggy babes ;-)

improve my guitar playing - the hubster has given me a few more tricks to use!

As for any additional goals - one of them (which I had not publically confessed) was to play keyboard at church at somepoint.  Well, fancy that - I have done it!

I even did it while worship leading a few times (which is not an easy feat) - and am a self confessed lover of this!  I'm looking forward to getting back into it in the not too far away future.

Well - that's me, are you seeing some of your goals achieved?

Day 30! Thinking of detoxing...!

Well, I made it.  The month has been filled with challenges.  Here are some points of interest:

• I feel about 100% fitter than when I started


• I am about 3kg lighter


• I've lost around 16-20cm altogether


• I did not stick to my diet plan the whole 30 days


• Two of the weekends I was away and ate bad

My basic method for dieting is a fairly simple "low carb" diet.  Low carb diets have taken some flack over the years, but I am well researched, and they make sense to me.  I am not a freak and I still eat fruit and veges etc.  I restrict all processed sugars and flours.  The only other things I don't really eat are potatoes and bananas.

I surprise myself (and others) with how little I actually "NEED" to eat, when I am eating quality foods, and small amounts of protein in each meal.

I have been feeling healthy and lean.  Since the weekend and our time in the City, I have been eating quite badly.  I mean, sugar, flour, bread, potato, mcdonalds - that kind of bad.  (lucky I'm an honest person!).  I actually feel really sick, I'm bloated, nauseated, light headed, lethargic, tired and feeling generally sick.  It goes to show what healthy eating does.

So back to business tomorrow I think.

I am still after a much bigger personal victory with this - cause my unhealthy eating just shows that given the right circumstances, my humanity is unreliable in making good food choices.  I LONG to be healthy and fit - for the rest of my life... so this journey is not over.

I'm thinking about doing a detox next week.... any ideas on a suitable one?  And don't worry, I'm pondering a new health and fitness goal.

To be continued...

Day 20/30 - its going too fast!!!

We went away in the weekend, and I indulged, during about 3 meals...  how I've missed my sweets.  But I'm over the need to indulge, and back on track today!

Here are the stats....
I am rowing between 35 and 41 minutes now. Feeling fitter. Still need to test it out with a run.

I am getting closer to my goal, and am officially (for the first time in our whole relationship) lighter than my hubby.  I also have visible abs.  Yes, I do folks!! haha.  Not that I'm toned....

So, with 10 days to go, the goal is nearer!!  I want to continue on past the 30 day mark, heading for the tri - so will set myself challenge after challenge.

More interesting posts coming tomorrow..... x

Day 9/30

So, for the official update - today is day 9 of my 30 day challenge.  I feel fantastic!

[caption id="attachment_121" align="alignnone" width="225" caption="I'm surprising myself! haha"][/caption]

I have taken to a small notebook, left on my kitchen bench - for anyone to peruse at any given time (especially the hubby).  I write down each food item that passes my lips through the day.

Want to know what - IT WORKS!!!!

I don't even think about eating one biscuit (let alone 5) - because I know I will have to write it down - and then anyone in my house, or visitors, could read it at any given time.  Aha!!  I think I have found a way to make the goal easier to achieve.

I have rowed 4 times - I'm rowing around 35 minutes straight now.  I cycled 10km the other night - WAS AWESOME! 

I do a weekly weigh, and measure the basic points, bust, waist, tummy, hips, butt, thighs & arms.  Everything is smaller.  It is amazing that my arms are - because they've been the thing I struggle to shift fat from - so to be different in a week is awesome!

I have lost weight, fairly quickly - but I know that a decent amount of it was fluid.  So, have 21 days to go, and around 4kg. hmmmmm.

I've also decided I will join my lovely friend Jacksta-B in training for the tri-woman coming up in Auckland in April.... check her out here http://jacksta-b.blogspot.com/2010/10/ive-gone-and-done-it-now.html.

That is, provided I am not expecting no. 2 by then.  Yes, that time has come.

Perhaps I'm turning into one of these people my father nicknamed "psychologically disturbed" - when we watched them as a kid sweating it out in the hot summer sun for miles and miles. ;-)

Might try a run one of these days....

My 30 day CHALLENGE!

I had a few personal goals for this year.  Very few.  I'm learning how to not expect too much of myself.  That should probably be one of them.

The list pretty much looked like this:

• stop breast-feeding


• lose weight


• get fit


• live a healthy lifestyle

Now this is a challenge for me.  Eating is probably my greatest weakness.  I eat when I'm stressed, depressed, bored etc.  Oh to be a mum at home with a new baby... haha.  I just like eating.  Over the previous 5 years, the stresses I had been under meant I ate - and put on nearly 40kg.  I lost 20kg before I fell pregnant...

I don't like these pictures - I'm just proving a point

[caption id="attachment_92" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="pretty much at my biggest"][/caption]

I want to live well, set a good example, and when I'm done with kids and they've all moved out - I want to be fit and healthy and able to live out the dreams I have for then.

So - stop breast feeding - check.  Lose weight - check - about 15kgs of it.  (step 1 - admit I have a problem and am the only one who can change it).  Get fit....uhhhh... live a healthy lifestyle.... uhhhh....

I'm not quite done with the losing weight, but MOTIVATION has seriously lapsed lately.  With it coming into party season, our anniversary and both birthdays in one month - makes for a month of goodies.  I went to the gym for a bit, but carting miss 1 to a babysitter, gym then going back made it take almost 3 hours.  To do that 3 x a week? NO WAY!

[caption id="attachment_93" align="alignnone" width="225" caption="just a couple of weeks ago"][/caption]

My delightful in-laws see my desperation of wanting to exercise, but having a busy 1 year old who is rather determined beyond her years.  And, they see their son, skinny, but a nice round POT forming on his front.

Birthday = NEW ROWING MACHINE!! I like.

So, now that the "party month" is over, I set myself a new goal.  I call it - the "30 day challenge".  I have a month.

Goal = get fit, and lose AS MUCH of the remainder of the weight that I can.  And hopefully tone up pretty much my whole body the "problem areas".

I still struggle with my eating - and I can help myself - but I don't really have the power to change me.  God does - so I've been asking Him for victory.  And I KNOW He is going to give it to me.

I will check in to say how I'm going.  Day 2 - I'm feeling good and have rowed both days.  Might need a rest tomorrow.

[caption id="attachment_94" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="My AWESOME friend Kristy and I... enjoying a special moment together"][/caption]

 

You can read about that amazing lady above - here http://www.paisleyjade.com/