The Higher Call of Living

I'm hiding from my kids... I should get a better hiding place, not in the lounge, and wondering if I really should have yet another coffee today.

Yip it's one of those days... bubba is sleeping. I'm trying to get him into a better day pattern. Poor kid gets dragged all over the show he doesn't quite know when to sleep or not. At least he (usually) knows night is for sleep.

He thinks the carseat is some kind of torture, like, going into it suddenly causes an onset of baby insomnia and episodes of crying whenever the vehicle ceases to move.

They're funny these little people. Such personalities while still so young and small. They know what they do and don't like and just how to tell you.

In all its frustrations and delights I often find myself thinking over how to raise these little people, discipline and teach them, while fully enabling them to be confident in who they are and what they are capable of.

Never before have children been so free to discover who they are and live their dreams like the generation being born right now.

There is no ceiling, no limitations in what they are able to accomplish if they really want to.

My hubby and I have noticed lately.... in the childrens books of our parents, there is a recurring theme of being 'small' - being in a safe world and staying well within your safe little comfort zone. Being confined and definitely not stepping out or trying to break the mold... and if you did, right back to the safe little place you go once you discover the world is big and bad and you simply cannot break out.

What a message to send to a generation. And, they largely lived within the parameters of that. It was and is very difficult being of that generation and not fitting the mold.

Then you get todays books.... living dreams, trying everything and anything. You are capable and competent. You are incredible. The world is waiting for you to be!

And somewhere in between there was a revolution, and we didn't even know it.

My generation, our generation, is crying out for freedom. For social change that enables. We are beginning to see people that rise up and live their dreams as amazing, rather than crazy or silly. We want to do it too. We want to break the mold and the holds of society on us.

We're discovering who we are and who we were made to be. And we're ok with that and have found that in being that, we are the closest to free we have ever been.

What's more, we have people rising up... in pockets all over the world, who are prepared to or are fighting for anothers right to that same freedom. What a stage we have set before us.

I believe we are the closest to a radical shift that the world has seen in a long time.

So how do we raise a generation facing possible impossibilities for their future?  I mean, while freedom is great, and we want it and need it - there are good and bad in both scenarios.

How do we find a balance between chasing our dreams, living our dreams, and facing the reality of life and what is necessary to make life good and make life work...

The large majority in our parents' generation know how to work hard. Get a job, have a job and keep a job.  They know how to turn up on time, keep house and yard, cook a meal from scratch.  They know how to save money and work towards a reward, how to start at the bottom and work towards the top.

Somewhere in the revolution, we have a whole bunch of people who are living their 'freedom' all the while acting like the world completely owes them something. 

They don't know how to get a job, work hard and keep a job.  They don't keep time, don't know how to do basic things around a house, they couldn't cook a basic staple meal from cupboard ingredients....  and they don't know how to start at the bottom and work for something better.  The amount of people with horrendous debt is shocking.

For example - I am astounded at how few young people have their driver's licence, their own car or a part-time job now a days.  They want to have the latest stuff, go to the beach, the movies, shopping - wherever and whatever, but they don't want or in some cases even see the need to pay their way, make a fair contributionor at least work to finance the newest thing.

I got a part-time job and my licence as soon as I was old enough, I learnt to drive, and as soon as I had saved enough money, paid for my very own first car.  I paid for the petrol, the warrants and registration, and the insurance.  I bought my very first cellphone and always paid for the top ups.  We help in a youth ministry, and the outside of 'church' setting, the activities we can do are limited - because virtually none of the youth drive, let alone have a car...

Somewhere while entagled in the idea of freedom, people have become so idealistic that they expect everything to come knocking at their door - instead of involving hard work, which leads to increasing levels of freedom... they want to chase their dreams, but neglect the responsibility that comes with life as an adult.

It is true when we hear that saying "they want what their parent's have now, without the sacrifice and hard work their parents put in to get it"

I want to raise kids that are well rounded individuals... to do enough for them that they have what they need and some of what they want, but that they recognise and have incentive to work hard and reap the rewards and self-respect that come from earning an honest living.

Hopefully balance can be found somewhere around here....

• work = money.  Learn how to save it, spend it and give it
• every person is valuable and deserves respect and dignity, including yourself
• life is not always fair, your turn will come
• work hard, play hard, be fair
• arrive on time
• discover who you are and what you are good at, and do that
• don't spend most of your time trying to overcome your weaknesses.  Do what you can do and do it well
• encourage others
• make good choices for yourself
• tackle challenges, face your fears
• it's ok to make mistakes
• say sorry, apologies are valuable
• pray everyday
• be thankful
• learn to drive, get a car, get your full licence
• relationships are more important than anything else
• give to others without expectation
• look after your spirit, your soul and your body
• have only a few non-negotiable rules
• find your place, rise up and give it 100%
• let other's have their opinions, and you have yours
• don't forget to live - especially while you're waiting for the next big thing
• live for a greater cause than yourself and your family
• there is always more

Its time to study hard, work hard, do well at what you are supposed to be doing and see the world change. It really can become a better place for the generations to come, and with all we've been given, it should!

Today may your eyes be opened to the world of possible impossibilties around you, and what is in your hand to do...

I'm a foodie....

I'm a foodie.  There, I said it.

I love food.  I love choosing it, smelling it, touching it, slicing it, preparing it, baking it, frying it, cooking it, serving it, and most of all, eating it.  I LOVE the eating part.

But to be honest, I'm an addict.  That sounds hilariously funny, because we all need food to survive (obviously), but when you get down to the raw truth, I am addicted to food.  And coffee.

Not all food.  I can't openly proclaim that I am addicted to sprouts or vegetables or fruit or anything disgusting.  But I am definitely addicted to the good stuff.

I totally love preparing food, baking etc.  For others and for myself.  I love it too much.

I often get asked the question... like how do you go from

to

and, even more common - how do you look like

within a few months of having a baby.....  it doesn't really end.

My answer is usually hard work.  Because that's virtually the nuts and bolts of it.

The fact that I get asked nearly everywhere I go, nearly everyday, tells me that there are plenty of people out there who have the same problem as me.  As a society, we seem to classify addicts as people to who take drugs, or who smoke or have these habitual 'bad' problems that affect their health/wealth etc adversely.... well, I'm pretty sure obesity and too much extra weight can have adverse health problems too.

Most people I talk to want to know and seem to think I have some great level of self control.  And sometimes I do.  Most often, I don't.  I have a degree of self control for a season of time that I know will end.  And then my self control runs out.

Addict - to habituate or abandon (oneself) to something compulsively or obsessively.

So, that classifies eating when not hungry... or eating beyond full - as an addiction.  (as well as lots of other things I'm sure).

This has been a struggle for me lately.  When it is cold, raining, and I'm bored and feeling a bit sorry for myself - I eat.  That's how I got so large in the first place.  I ate when I was stressed and feeling emotional - to help me feel better.  So I'm back to square one and if I don't sort it out, it will get out of control.

But here is the raw truth to how I have got to where I am right now.... (where I am being a healthy weight for my height)

1) I admitted that I had a problem.  In fact, I am the problem.

2) I stopped blaming everything and everyone else for my situation.

3) I recognised that to change my life and my future, with God's help, only I could do that.  I could not change it for anyone else, not for my hubby, not for my kids, not for anyone else... for me.

4) I recognised that the problem was 'bigger than me' and that I needed HIS help EVERYDAY.

5) I saw what I was, and I saw that if I continued, I would not be able to run around with my children, to play with them like I wanted to, and that I couldn't give them the future I dreamed of.

6) I recognised the example I was setting for them

7) I decided to do it, and I did it.

I don't necessarily think there is any one way of achieving weight loss.  I have a method, and it works.  I know it would work for anyone, but not everyone can apply the same degree of dedication and restriction that I do in order to achieve results.  But I think, what it truly boils down to, is that when we see and recognise that it is me and my problem, we can actually deal with it if we want to.

I'm not going to look over my shoulder and hope that someone will come knocking on my door with an ounce  (or tonne) of motivation... for any area of my life.  Though accountability works, hence my straight up post.

I had to face huge emotional hurdles to be where I am today.  I had to face up to myself, to issues with other people that I had bottled up and locked away inside me.  To excuses I had to be how I was.  I had to replace my addiction to food with something else for the times when I felt sad/bored/lonely/whatever it may be.

I replaced it by 'being' with Jesus.  You might think I'm a freak.  And frankly, I don't care anymore.  Because I know He is alive and real and He is the only one who has the power to give us victory that lasts forever.

I am honest about life and my struggles.  That is how I am made to be.  That is how He made me to be.

When I 'be' with Him, the problems of life, what people say and do to me, the lonely feelings, the boredom and whatever else - well, it melts away.  It doesn't matter so much when I'm with Him.  And when I leave my 'being with' Him... they still don't matter so much...  I don't live a blissful life where problems are non-existant and I am not so thick skinned that what people say and do just wash off me...  in fact, I feel things incredibly deeply.  But I have learned to take those things to the only one who can wash them off me and make me new again.  And I have learned that by talking about them, and honestly communicating about them, I am made more free and others are given a taste of what can be available.

I am the first to admit - I do not have the victory over food that I want.... Yet.  I want to be at a place that when I am feeling low and bingey or craving, that I don't bake something and eat half of what I made for lunch.... instead of lunch.... or in addition to lunch.  Where I am satisfied by what I eat and I enjoy the extras.  Life is not made to not enjoy food.  I don't think that living a rigid life of plain, boring and healthy food forever and never letting a morsel of goodness pass the lips would work for many people... it certainly wouldn't for me.  I love chocolate, and sugar and all the good stuff.

But I'm in pursuit of a victory that leaves me satisfied.  That suddenly goes, hey, I'm feeling a bit low today - I'll go be with Jesus for a while and then I'll be ok.  

Or, I'll bake for my family, and I will be able to open the fridge or cupboard and not have to eat some of the baking every time.

I once heard someone say that being an overcomer is where in a battle, you win at least 51% of the time.  I think that's a good starting place to aim for.  That's where I'm going to aim.

So, today, instead of hiding from your battle, why don't you choose for yourself that you will 'opt in' to a life of freedom.  See, I want to be free.  I want to live in freedom so badly and not be swayed by all the earthly things.  Living from the perspective of heaven is so much better.

It means that we get just a bit real about life, about our battles and all that stuff.  We get real with ourselves, we get real with others, and most importantly, we get real with Jesus.  (who already knows ALL of your issues anyway).

Take your battle, and try 'being' with Him.  I promise you it will change your life.

xx

Mum in Laws - Part 2

If you haven't read it already, try part one.

I feel I need to add something.  Ponder this -

You carry your baby inside you for nine months.  During this time, you feel it move, it's little kicks keep you awake all hours.  Your body carries the full brunt of the nurturing of this little life - feeding, growing, developing - putting the baby first before your own bodies needs.  Then, through one means or another - you give birth to this child.

You as parents then spend a great deal of time feeding, nurturing, loving, playing, encouraging - devoting yourself - to this little person.  You listen to them, you hear their problems and help them find solutions.  You are their number 1 fighter.  You pray for them.  You cry over them when they are sick, in pain or hurting - and you can't take it away. 

If you're a mother - you know this well.  Father's should too - though it's a little different.

You do this for twenty or so years.

One day, this little life leaves home.  If they are unattached, you are likely to still be their no. 1 back-stop and fighter when it comes to life's difficulties and tragedies.

But the day arrives - when they become attached, married, whatever you want to call it.  Suddenly the 'right' thing to do is stop all that - and give up what you have spent 20 years nurturing - to another person.  It certainly doesn't feel right, nor natural.

You are no longer your child's no. 1 fighter.  They no longer talk to you about everything and bring their problems and difficulties to you.  You know the challenges are there - because you're 'my-child-is-having-troubles' detecting device is well honed after 20 years.  You see it on their face, in their demeanour, in what they say - and don't say.

To be honest, I don't know how I will cope when the day arrives for me. 

I have reserved that from the moment my babies are born - they belong to God, not me.  Therefore, He alone has the right to give them - and take them away.  He then also has to take care of them.

I have also reserved that from the moment they are born - I am preparing them to leave.  Not in a selfish way - but in a way of hoping that if I spend 20 years knowing that I am preparing them to leave, hopefully when they go it will be a little less painful.

Is it any wonder that there are sometimes challenges when faced with in-laws?  It's a bit easier to understand now isn't it?

My sole desire from these posts, is that you will be inspired to see things from the other's point of view - and to aspire to a much greater relationship with those precious people you call in-laws.  You do have the ability to make your relationship better - if you want to.

Who knows, maybe it can encourage us mummies with kids at home still - to think about our response when the day arrives - and make it just a little easier.

Loving hearing your thoughts

x
Arna

Mother in Laws.....

Today, I'm going to attempt the surface on a very difficult (and large) topic.

Mum in-laws (MIL)

We often hear in society a whole lot of jokes around this topic.  Has anyone noticed that the jokes are usually ALWAYS about the husband's relationship with his mum in law (his wife's mother) - and how "terrible" she is or similar?

You don't hear much about the often difficult relationship that a wife has with her mum in law (her husband's mother).

Guys - don't stop reading.  This is valuable to you - and there are tips at the bottom for you too!

What qualifies me to talk about this topic you ask?

1. I am a wife of almost four years
2. My mother in law and I have not always seen eye to eye
3. I believe there is more to the daughter/mother in law relationship than an ongoing struggle or battle for the affections of the MIM (male in the middle), than regular offending and never really talking things out.
4. My own mother has set a good example in this area.

The family I married into.... :D

Before I go on, I must tell you what my relationship with my MIL is now.  I love her.  Almost to the degree that I love my own mother.  I have confided in her on numerous occasions, and gone to her when I couldn't even tell my own mum things.  We openly share things from our hearts, we talk about marriage, about children, about life struggles.  We see each other on the same page.  We help each other.  She is my best teacher on how to bottle/preserve/save money with meals and conventional old fashioned house-wifey things.  We have prioritised seeing each other (without the hubster) at least once a week for a few hours - and this is truly one of the highlights of my week.  She is a beautiful woman. 

Disclaimer: there are two (or more) sides to every story.  This is only my version.  My MIL has a story too - and I'm sure I have done and said many things in which she too, has had to "hold her breath" (you will later discover what I mean).


My story:
My MIL raised four children, my husband, being the oldest.  She was a protective mother (who isn't) and did an excellent job at raising children who are a real credit to her.  However, some of her parenting was done out of fear.  She feared her children all leaving her - she tried to keep them young even when they were well and truly adults in their own right.  Out of her own personal battle, she had struggled with relationships with other women - especially "strong" or what I call confident women. 

Her experience in her own marriage - was that her and her husband and their children, had most to do with her family, and very little to do with their paternal family.  She had three boys first - so the fear was only enhanced that she would "lose" her boys and have virtually nothing to do with them for their adult lives.

She got married at 32.  She had not considered that her children may marry earlier in life than this.

spot the brothers....

In the midst of the first two of her children growing older and 'leaving' home, along came me.  The first-ever girlfriend.  David (20), had an eye on me for a couple of years.


We began dating when I was 19.  It was all a bit of a whirlwind, but through a good deal of circumstances and some wise words from some close people, I was set on this man being my husband.  Everything seemed fine.  We shared dinners with his family, I got to know his grandparents etc and everything appeared to be great.

Then he proposed.

What I was absent to, was that he had not discussed this with his parents.  He grew up in a Christian home, he honoured his parents and had a good relationship with his mum.  But he did not tell them he was going to propose.

I smelt a bit of a rat upon their reaction the next day - but was none the wiser.  I also had to keep our engagement a secret for the whole day! (a very difficult task for me!!)

Two weeks later, and for me, the very first time - I discovered that his parents were not happy with our relationship, let alone our impending marriage.  I thought they were going to ask us to break up.  All along they had not been happy, and they had discussed this with David on numerous occasions without my presence - and were finally telling me now they were getting desperate.

My 'new' family.....

There were reasons for this - the ones that stick out from memory are:

• David is a soft young man, very reserved and quiet
• You are a strong young woman.  (maybe too strong for him)
• David is not displaying proper discipline at home with chores and other required things
• You appear to have a problem with submitting to authority
• Are we sure that we have been led into this relationship?

Some of these are likely to be very valid reasons for their reservations.  All I could do was sit and cry.  It seemed they had seen people in times past, feel like a particular person was "the one" - only to be wrong.  In the particular example - three times. This lady had bossed around her husband(s) and told them what she was saying was right etc etc.  I was "very similar" to this particular woman, and therefore, I was put into the same box as she.

I was devastated.  I felt so misunderstood.  I felt like I had not even been given a chance because I was put in some box before they even gave me a chance.  Their observations were based on what they saw - not on my story, my life experience or any such matters.

We were allowed to stay together and work towards a resolution.

I had a long, very hard think about the whole situation.  I thought about how we had conducted our relationship, and how it would feel as a parent - not even knowing your own son was going to propose.  I felt wronged, but knew that I had a part in working it out.

I plucked up a LARGE amount of courage, and asked my MIL out for lunch.  There, through tears, I apologised.  I said sorry - mainly - for not honouring them in our relationship like we should have.  I went on to explain how I had felt when they told me they were not happy.  That I felt I was not "good enough" for them - and how painful this experience was.  We had a big talk about submission as a Christian wife - and for the first time, discovered we actually thought the same about many things.

We also (with their blessing) undertook an excellent pre-marriage course.  2 1/2 months after we were engaged, we received his parents full and total blessing to get married.  (I cried some more). We set a date, and on rolled the plans.

6/10/2007 we got married.  This was not the end of the journey.

Within our first week home, my new parents-in-law visited our home, unannounced, 4 nights.  This was usually to 'deliver mail'. 

My new husband went to borrow some tools from his dad, and came home upset - because there was an argument about finances and an investment opportunity he had briefly (and unwisely) mentioned to me at their house.  This had ended in both being hot under the collar with each other.

On another occasion, there was another argument of some sort (I can't remember what over) between them.

My MIL would agree, that of all her children Dave was the one who 'talked' to her.  He now had this new woman whom he shared EVERYTHING with, and no longer shared much of importance with his mum.  In an attempt to "communicate" with him, she had gone into territory that was ours.


What a difficult journey for a mum - to pour into their child for 20 odd years, and then have to let them completely go to some other woman.  No wonder this MIL/DIL thing is so tricky.

Being a confident (and sometimes fiesty) young lass, this "stepping into our business" really rubbed me up the wrong way.  I was hot under the collar myself and ready to step in with a piece of my mind.  But I held my breath.

Holding your breath as a daughter in law is one of the greatest and most difficult assets you can have.

I had just read a book - "The Mother in Law Dance" - and it was excellent in getting me to think about how my MIL was feeling in this whole matter.  She was learning how to be a MIL.  I was learning how to be a DIL.

I had another long, hard think.

And suddenly I realised the fears and apprehensions that my MIL was feeling in relation to us.  She was trying to hold on for dear life to her son - for fear of us not having anything much to do with her as life went on.  Based on her experiences - in my opinion, this was a fair enough response.

What did I do?

I wrote a long, detailed letter to my MIL.  I thanked her for the amazing job she did raising her son.  I told her that his qualities were a credit to her.  I honoured her for the sacrifices she had made to raise him.  I told her that he would ALWAYS be her son, and that I was not here to "STEAL" him from her (I actually said that).  I also told her that I longed to have a good relationship with her in the years to come.  I honoured her as the future grandmother of my children - and told her that I needed her help to raise them.  I made a commitment to her.

What happened?

I received a card and a note as a reply.  In it, were the short, but very powerful words "welcome to the family".

How is it now?

Now I am not saying that it has always been plain sailing since then.  But her and I do have a relationship that is unlike many other MIL/DIL relationships I know.  It is one of honour - to whom honour is owed.  She deserves honour - for who she is and has been for my husband.  And even more, now, who she is for me.

We talk through mishaps.  We can be honest with each other - without feeling judged.

In the last few years there have been apologies, and open communication about this whole experience.  They have even told me how pleased and how perfect I am for their son - and how much of a blessing I am to them.

Their 'soft' son - is actually one of the strongest, most stubborn people I know - in a quiet way. In our marriage - he has gone from being shy, quiet and reserved - to almost the opposite.  He is still an introvert by nature - but in his words "shyness is a curse" and he longs to influence people.  When you get him going - he talks more than I do.  It's not too hard to get him started.  He enjoys being up the front - when I married him, he faded into the background.

never before seen pic - I felt like he was posing to pee on my head...

Tips and random things to glean from my experience:

Guys:

1. always side with your wife
2. always stand up for your wife
3. don't bring up or even mention personal issues in front of your parents - finances/parenting etc.
4. CALL your MUM!  It is ok to do this every now and again - don't leave it up to your wife to manage your relationship with your mum.
5. Love your mother and honour her - but put boundaries in place if need be.

Ladies:

1. Truly honour your MIL for raising your husband.  Even if you don't think she did a good job - she still gave birth to the guy, whom you now love.
2. Decide you want to have a good relationship with your MIL.
3. Make an effort to let her be a critical part of your children's lives - they will love you for it (and so will she)
4. Talk to her - she is a woman - she has raised children and has had many experiences that can help you.
5. Hold your breath (refer above ^^)
6. She is not trying or meaning to offend you
7. Read good books on the matter if it's a struggle.
8. Speak with your husband if things are a bit much, and have him put the boundaries in place.

One day, I might just do a tips for mum-in-laws - but I'm not one, so don't feel qualified for that just yet.  ;-)

x

Tips for Toddlers...... and big kids

Parenting toddlers tip no. 1
If you preminisce a potentially serious accident; remedy it before it becomes an accident.

Fortunately (today) for miss almost two, falling down the front steps while strapped into her carseat did not result in serious injury.  I found her face down, on the concrete, screaming, with a big, heavy lug of a carseat on top of her.  (why on earth don't they make those things a bit lighter?)

She does have some minor cosmetic ailments, but thankfully she is not 14 and does not care much for small scratches and bruises on her nose and cheek. 

I however, did stop breathing for a moment as I discovered that what I had just seen as a potential came true.  Hopefully she doesn't get a black eye or two- otherwise I might stop breathing every time I have to go to the supermarket for the next week.

Parenting toddlers tip no. 2:
Lengthy cuddles fix (almost) anything.  At least for my Princess Adelaide.

Parenting toddlers tip no. 3:
If the potential accident you preminisce is not dangerous and does not damage them or someone else - let them make it.

^^  This is my personal opinion - but I have seen the defects of over-cautious (what I like to call hover) parenting - and I'd much rather a secure little person who is prepared to take a risk - make a mistake, and try again.

Yes, I let her climb ladders that are way too high, with rungs far too narrow and far apart (I am a short distance away to catch assist if she needs it).  I let her eat dirt (if she really wants to) and play in the mud.  I let her pick up insects and so many other things. 

Yesterday, we played in the puddles and gutters in the pouring rain.  We did this as kids and I not once caught a cold.  (thank God for a sunny day today- to dry all the washing).

Parenting toddlers tip no. 4:
Have fun.  Cause when they have grown up, memories is all you have.  As well as hopefully some lovely well rounded adult kids and some grandkids to then 'hover' over.