Mother in Laws.....

Today, I'm going to attempt the surface on a very difficult (and large) topic.

Mum in-laws (MIL)

We often hear in society a whole lot of jokes around this topic.  Has anyone noticed that the jokes are usually ALWAYS about the husband's relationship with his mum in law (his wife's mother) - and how "terrible" she is or similar?

You don't hear much about the often difficult relationship that a wife has with her mum in law (her husband's mother).

Guys - don't stop reading.  This is valuable to you - and there are tips at the bottom for you too!

What qualifies me to talk about this topic you ask?

1. I am a wife of almost four years
2. My mother in law and I have not always seen eye to eye
3. I believe there is more to the daughter/mother in law relationship than an ongoing struggle or battle for the affections of the MIM (male in the middle), than regular offending and never really talking things out.
4. My own mother has set a good example in this area.

The family I married into.... :D

Before I go on, I must tell you what my relationship with my MIL is now.  I love her.  Almost to the degree that I love my own mother.  I have confided in her on numerous occasions, and gone to her when I couldn't even tell my own mum things.  We openly share things from our hearts, we talk about marriage, about children, about life struggles.  We see each other on the same page.  We help each other.  She is my best teacher on how to bottle/preserve/save money with meals and conventional old fashioned house-wifey things.  We have prioritised seeing each other (without the hubster) at least once a week for a few hours - and this is truly one of the highlights of my week.  She is a beautiful woman. 

Disclaimer: there are two (or more) sides to every story.  This is only my version.  My MIL has a story too - and I'm sure I have done and said many things in which she too, has had to "hold her breath" (you will later discover what I mean).


My story:
My MIL raised four children, my husband, being the oldest.  She was a protective mother (who isn't) and did an excellent job at raising children who are a real credit to her.  However, some of her parenting was done out of fear.  She feared her children all leaving her - she tried to keep them young even when they were well and truly adults in their own right.  Out of her own personal battle, she had struggled with relationships with other women - especially "strong" or what I call confident women. 

Her experience in her own marriage - was that her and her husband and their children, had most to do with her family, and very little to do with their paternal family.  She had three boys first - so the fear was only enhanced that she would "lose" her boys and have virtually nothing to do with them for their adult lives.

She got married at 32.  She had not considered that her children may marry earlier in life than this.

spot the brothers....

In the midst of the first two of her children growing older and 'leaving' home, along came me.  The first-ever girlfriend.  David (20), had an eye on me for a couple of years.


We began dating when I was 19.  It was all a bit of a whirlwind, but through a good deal of circumstances and some wise words from some close people, I was set on this man being my husband.  Everything seemed fine.  We shared dinners with his family, I got to know his grandparents etc and everything appeared to be great.

Then he proposed.

What I was absent to, was that he had not discussed this with his parents.  He grew up in a Christian home, he honoured his parents and had a good relationship with his mum.  But he did not tell them he was going to propose.

I smelt a bit of a rat upon their reaction the next day - but was none the wiser.  I also had to keep our engagement a secret for the whole day! (a very difficult task for me!!)

Two weeks later, and for me, the very first time - I discovered that his parents were not happy with our relationship, let alone our impending marriage.  I thought they were going to ask us to break up.  All along they had not been happy, and they had discussed this with David on numerous occasions without my presence - and were finally telling me now they were getting desperate.

My 'new' family.....

There were reasons for this - the ones that stick out from memory are:

• David is a soft young man, very reserved and quiet
• You are a strong young woman.  (maybe too strong for him)
• David is not displaying proper discipline at home with chores and other required things
• You appear to have a problem with submitting to authority
• Are we sure that we have been led into this relationship?

Some of these are likely to be very valid reasons for their reservations.  All I could do was sit and cry.  It seemed they had seen people in times past, feel like a particular person was "the one" - only to be wrong.  In the particular example - three times. This lady had bossed around her husband(s) and told them what she was saying was right etc etc.  I was "very similar" to this particular woman, and therefore, I was put into the same box as she.

I was devastated.  I felt so misunderstood.  I felt like I had not even been given a chance because I was put in some box before they even gave me a chance.  Their observations were based on what they saw - not on my story, my life experience or any such matters.

We were allowed to stay together and work towards a resolution.

I had a long, very hard think about the whole situation.  I thought about how we had conducted our relationship, and how it would feel as a parent - not even knowing your own son was going to propose.  I felt wronged, but knew that I had a part in working it out.

I plucked up a LARGE amount of courage, and asked my MIL out for lunch.  There, through tears, I apologised.  I said sorry - mainly - for not honouring them in our relationship like we should have.  I went on to explain how I had felt when they told me they were not happy.  That I felt I was not "good enough" for them - and how painful this experience was.  We had a big talk about submission as a Christian wife - and for the first time, discovered we actually thought the same about many things.

We also (with their blessing) undertook an excellent pre-marriage course.  2 1/2 months after we were engaged, we received his parents full and total blessing to get married.  (I cried some more). We set a date, and on rolled the plans.

6/10/2007 we got married.  This was not the end of the journey.

Within our first week home, my new parents-in-law visited our home, unannounced, 4 nights.  This was usually to 'deliver mail'. 

My new husband went to borrow some tools from his dad, and came home upset - because there was an argument about finances and an investment opportunity he had briefly (and unwisely) mentioned to me at their house.  This had ended in both being hot under the collar with each other.

On another occasion, there was another argument of some sort (I can't remember what over) between them.

My MIL would agree, that of all her children Dave was the one who 'talked' to her.  He now had this new woman whom he shared EVERYTHING with, and no longer shared much of importance with his mum.  In an attempt to "communicate" with him, she had gone into territory that was ours.


What a difficult journey for a mum - to pour into their child for 20 odd years, and then have to let them completely go to some other woman.  No wonder this MIL/DIL thing is so tricky.

Being a confident (and sometimes fiesty) young lass, this "stepping into our business" really rubbed me up the wrong way.  I was hot under the collar myself and ready to step in with a piece of my mind.  But I held my breath.

Holding your breath as a daughter in law is one of the greatest and most difficult assets you can have.

I had just read a book - "The Mother in Law Dance" - and it was excellent in getting me to think about how my MIL was feeling in this whole matter.  She was learning how to be a MIL.  I was learning how to be a DIL.

I had another long, hard think.

And suddenly I realised the fears and apprehensions that my MIL was feeling in relation to us.  She was trying to hold on for dear life to her son - for fear of us not having anything much to do with her as life went on.  Based on her experiences - in my opinion, this was a fair enough response.

What did I do?

I wrote a long, detailed letter to my MIL.  I thanked her for the amazing job she did raising her son.  I told her that his qualities were a credit to her.  I honoured her for the sacrifices she had made to raise him.  I told her that he would ALWAYS be her son, and that I was not here to "STEAL" him from her (I actually said that).  I also told her that I longed to have a good relationship with her in the years to come.  I honoured her as the future grandmother of my children - and told her that I needed her help to raise them.  I made a commitment to her.

What happened?

I received a card and a note as a reply.  In it, were the short, but very powerful words "welcome to the family".

How is it now?

Now I am not saying that it has always been plain sailing since then.  But her and I do have a relationship that is unlike many other MIL/DIL relationships I know.  It is one of honour - to whom honour is owed.  She deserves honour - for who she is and has been for my husband.  And even more, now, who she is for me.

We talk through mishaps.  We can be honest with each other - without feeling judged.

In the last few years there have been apologies, and open communication about this whole experience.  They have even told me how pleased and how perfect I am for their son - and how much of a blessing I am to them.

Their 'soft' son - is actually one of the strongest, most stubborn people I know - in a quiet way. In our marriage - he has gone from being shy, quiet and reserved - to almost the opposite.  He is still an introvert by nature - but in his words "shyness is a curse" and he longs to influence people.  When you get him going - he talks more than I do.  It's not too hard to get him started.  He enjoys being up the front - when I married him, he faded into the background.

never before seen pic - I felt like he was posing to pee on my head...

Tips and random things to glean from my experience:

Guys:

1. always side with your wife
2. always stand up for your wife
3. don't bring up or even mention personal issues in front of your parents - finances/parenting etc.
4. CALL your MUM!  It is ok to do this every now and again - don't leave it up to your wife to manage your relationship with your mum.
5. Love your mother and honour her - but put boundaries in place if need be.

Ladies:

1. Truly honour your MIL for raising your husband.  Even if you don't think she did a good job - she still gave birth to the guy, whom you now love.
2. Decide you want to have a good relationship with your MIL.
3. Make an effort to let her be a critical part of your children's lives - they will love you for it (and so will she)
4. Talk to her - she is a woman - she has raised children and has had many experiences that can help you.
5. Hold your breath (refer above ^^)
6. She is not trying or meaning to offend you
7. Read good books on the matter if it's a struggle.
8. Speak with your husband if things are a bit much, and have him put the boundaries in place.

One day, I might just do a tips for mum-in-laws - but I'm not one, so don't feel qualified for that just yet.  ;-)

x

I WILL LIVE to tell the story...

Ps 118.17

I will not die, but I will LIVE

to tell what the LORD has done......

Almost three weeks ago, I lay on death's doorstep.

It started with a headache.  So severe I could not get out of bed.  I was so tired, but could not sleep for the pain.  It was so intense, I failed to even put 2 & 2 together with any other symptoms my body was facing.

The rest - which I realised while being questioned by my GP was, I had such a stiff neck, I couldn't stand any light, I was running a high fever but freezing cold, I couldn't stand to straighten my legs, I had to lie down.  I felt incredibly nauseated - even drinking one sip of water was enough to make me want to vomit.

The pain I was experiencing - was MUCH, MUCH worse than labour.  I visited my GP - hoping for a jab in the butt to be sent home to get over my "migrane".  Of course, being pregnant - they couldn't give me anything.

Next I knew I was being checked head-to-toe for a rash and sent straight to ED at our local hospital.  The GP phoned in advance and sent me with a letter - so I could be seen "immediately".

I arrived, could hardly walk in the room, let alone tell them my name or write.  They took my letter and I sat down.  The room was busy - full, of really unwell people.  I saw the nurse, who checked me and told me it "will not be long" before I got to see the doctor.

Three and a half hours later, my husband, mum and miss "alsmost 2" at my side, I was still waiting.  I lay on a small couch in the busy main corridor of the hospital - because I could not bare to be upright.  I kept my eyes shut and periodically faded in and out of "awareness" - which I figured later was consciousness.  I shivered with cold and couldn't stand any noise.

They called my name.  By this point, I could barely stand, nor walk.  I could not control my body in the least.  I was beginning to convulse, hyperventilate and cry - at the same time.

The nurse ordered blood tests be done immediately, drip was inserted because I was severely dehydrated.  My fever was running high.

The doctor was in shortly after, and I was checked all over and asked a multitude of questions (for the 4th time).  He left to talk to his boss, and the nurse stayed with me. 

The first few drops of morphine - were literally like heaven (haha).  For the first time, I felt much less pain and could open my eyes.

I sobbed and sobbed - "what about my baby....??"

The doctor returned.  I had meningitis.  He suspected it was viral meningitis due to some of the onsetting symptoms I had, he was happy to diagnose me without any futher tests. 

He told me that they cannot treat viral meningitis.  It is also not considered "dangerous" like bacterial meningitis is.  They would give me some pain killers and send me home, that I would have a headache and be sick for a couple of weeks and then start to come right.

But I was given a choice.  Little did I know - the choice was likely to mean the difference between life and death.

If I left, and got worse, I had to come back to ED.  And join the back of the line in waiting again.  I would not have returned.  The wait was too agonising and traumatising as it was, let alone to do it a second time.

He said the other choice, was to have a lumbar puncture done - which would actually diagnose whether I had bacterial or viral meningitis.

I felt incredibly compassionate towards the other very sick people who were in the waiting room, waiting for a bed in the ED.  I felt swayed to go home.

But deep inside me somewhere - I knew something just wasn't right.

So I asked for the lumbar puncture.

The LP wasn't as bad as I expected (or had been told by others).  It's not a nice thing to have done, but I did not care for fact that it would help make me better.

A couple of hours later, I was diagnosed with bacterial meningitis.  Much to the doctor's surprise.  An ultra-sound was done to check baby - and there was lots of movement and a perfect heart rate.  *Sigh of relief*

Mum had taken miss "almost 2" home for dinner and bath, hubby then had to leave to pick her up and get her to bed.  Later, without warning, I was collected by two people with plastic gowns from head to toe, and masks on - and delivered to my room.  The masks and gowns were part of my life for two days - until I was no longer "contagious".

I felt like an enemy of the human race - biological warfare waiting to be released or something.  At one point, I had five medical staff in my small room, peering at me from behind their peculiar costumes.

For the next 8 days I lay in hospital - in a room completely dark.  My visitors actually thought I was sleeping - but I couldn't handle even the faintest light.  I could not read or write.  I could not even bear to look at pictures.

I could maintain an upright position for only 5 minutes, before suffering excruciating pain and needing to sleep.

I never knew how the wriggles and kicks of a tiny baby could be such a relief.  The baby is alive.  But even more, I am alive.

I had meltdowns in the middle of the night.  I had panic attacks in the night (and day).  I felt depressed and alone, but any visitors made me physically and emotionally exhausted.

One morning, I couldn't even open the small packet of jam to put on my toast.  I called the nurse, in tears, who opened it - then I couldn't even use my knife.  The sheer frustration of wanting to do a simple task, but physically not being able to, was terrible.

I desperately wanted my God to come and make me well, sometimes I wondered why all this had happened and where He had got to.  But I knew He would never leave me, nor would He make me sick, or "allow" me to be sick.

People came to pray for me, my family was desperately praying for me, my friends were desperately praying for me, my church was desperately praying for me - people I don't even know were crying out to heaven for me. 

And I can truly say that I am SURE, if it weren't for God, I would have died.  I am greatful for the prayers of many warriors who cried out for me in my despair.  And who are still crying out for my total healing.

I finally came home.  Still in incredible pain, afraid of light and unable to do most things.  My arms were like those of an addict from all the IV's and blood tests.  My husband, looked glazed and stressed.  His busiest time with his work, an incredibly ill wife and a demanding child.

Then came the helps.  Dinners cooked and delivered every night.  Babysitters, house-cleaners, people just to sit with me.  Vouchers for special trips to a cafe.  What stars I have for family, friends and wider church family.

Each day since coming home, I have improved.  I can now read and write again.  I can stand light although sometimes get a slight headache or uncomfortable feeling.  I am barely in any pain apart from my back and tailbone are still quite sore.

My brain is sometimes still slow, speech sometimes slurred and occasionally loud or sharp noises still hurt my head.  I am off balance - which makes me afraid of large groups of people or things like crossing a busy road/carpark.  I cannot hear or see as well as I could.

I recognise that there is not only the physical damage on my body (which I believe I will make a FULL recovery from), but there is also a lot of emotional trauma which I am working through.

BUT...

I am greatful.  I am so greatful to be alive that the very thought moves me to tears.  I am greatful to be able to hear/see and do most of the things that I used to.  I am greatful to tuck my sweet little princess in at night, and experience the joy of her laughter - even just one more time.  I am greatful to look my husband in the eyes and tell him I love him - even just one more time.

I am greatful for all the people who have been pouring themselves out for my benefit.  Because they believe in me being well again.

I am greatful to be given another chance at life - because I sure didn't live the last chance I had as much as I wanted to.

I am greatful that I serve a God who WANTS to heal people.  Who DELIGHTS in healing the sick and doing miracles.  A God who is real, and who loves fiercely.

I know, that as I lay there fighting for my life, in the darkest moments - He truly sat in the chair next to my bed keeping watch.  Willing me to rise again.  Willing me to live.

x

Day 30! Thinking of detoxing...!

Well, I made it.  The month has been filled with challenges.  Here are some points of interest:

• I feel about 100% fitter than when I started


• I am about 3kg lighter


• I've lost around 16-20cm altogether


• I did not stick to my diet plan the whole 30 days


• Two of the weekends I was away and ate bad

My basic method for dieting is a fairly simple "low carb" diet.  Low carb diets have taken some flack over the years, but I am well researched, and they make sense to me.  I am not a freak and I still eat fruit and veges etc.  I restrict all processed sugars and flours.  The only other things I don't really eat are potatoes and bananas.

I surprise myself (and others) with how little I actually "NEED" to eat, when I am eating quality foods, and small amounts of protein in each meal.

I have been feeling healthy and lean.  Since the weekend and our time in the City, I have been eating quite badly.  I mean, sugar, flour, bread, potato, mcdonalds - that kind of bad.  (lucky I'm an honest person!).  I actually feel really sick, I'm bloated, nauseated, light headed, lethargic, tired and feeling generally sick.  It goes to show what healthy eating does.

So back to business tomorrow I think.

I am still after a much bigger personal victory with this - cause my unhealthy eating just shows that given the right circumstances, my humanity is unreliable in making good food choices.  I LONG to be healthy and fit - for the rest of my life... so this journey is not over.

I'm thinking about doing a detox next week.... any ideas on a suitable one?  And don't worry, I'm pondering a new health and fitness goal.

To be continued...

Day 20/30 - its going too fast!!!

We went away in the weekend, and I indulged, during about 3 meals...  how I've missed my sweets.  But I'm over the need to indulge, and back on track today!

Here are the stats....
I am rowing between 35 and 41 minutes now. Feeling fitter. Still need to test it out with a run.

I am getting closer to my goal, and am officially (for the first time in our whole relationship) lighter than my hubby.  I also have visible abs.  Yes, I do folks!! haha.  Not that I'm toned....

So, with 10 days to go, the goal is nearer!!  I want to continue on past the 30 day mark, heading for the tri - so will set myself challenge after challenge.

More interesting posts coming tomorrow..... x

Day 9/30

So, for the official update - today is day 9 of my 30 day challenge.  I feel fantastic!

[caption id="attachment_121" align="alignnone" width="225" caption="I'm surprising myself! haha"][/caption]

I have taken to a small notebook, left on my kitchen bench - for anyone to peruse at any given time (especially the hubby).  I write down each food item that passes my lips through the day.

Want to know what - IT WORKS!!!!

I don't even think about eating one biscuit (let alone 5) - because I know I will have to write it down - and then anyone in my house, or visitors, could read it at any given time.  Aha!!  I think I have found a way to make the goal easier to achieve.

I have rowed 4 times - I'm rowing around 35 minutes straight now.  I cycled 10km the other night - WAS AWESOME! 

I do a weekly weigh, and measure the basic points, bust, waist, tummy, hips, butt, thighs & arms.  Everything is smaller.  It is amazing that my arms are - because they've been the thing I struggle to shift fat from - so to be different in a week is awesome!

I have lost weight, fairly quickly - but I know that a decent amount of it was fluid.  So, have 21 days to go, and around 4kg. hmmmmm.

I've also decided I will join my lovely friend Jacksta-B in training for the tri-woman coming up in Auckland in April.... check her out here http://jacksta-b.blogspot.com/2010/10/ive-gone-and-done-it-now.html.

That is, provided I am not expecting no. 2 by then.  Yes, that time has come.

Perhaps I'm turning into one of these people my father nicknamed "psychologically disturbed" - when we watched them as a kid sweating it out in the hot summer sun for miles and miles. ;-)

Might try a run one of these days....

My 30 day CHALLENGE!

I had a few personal goals for this year.  Very few.  I'm learning how to not expect too much of myself.  That should probably be one of them.

The list pretty much looked like this:

• stop breast-feeding


• lose weight


• get fit


• live a healthy lifestyle

Now this is a challenge for me.  Eating is probably my greatest weakness.  I eat when I'm stressed, depressed, bored etc.  Oh to be a mum at home with a new baby... haha.  I just like eating.  Over the previous 5 years, the stresses I had been under meant I ate - and put on nearly 40kg.  I lost 20kg before I fell pregnant...

I don't like these pictures - I'm just proving a point

[caption id="attachment_92" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="pretty much at my biggest"][/caption]

I want to live well, set a good example, and when I'm done with kids and they've all moved out - I want to be fit and healthy and able to live out the dreams I have for then.

So - stop breast feeding - check.  Lose weight - check - about 15kgs of it.  (step 1 - admit I have a problem and am the only one who can change it).  Get fit....uhhhh... live a healthy lifestyle.... uhhhh....

I'm not quite done with the losing weight, but MOTIVATION has seriously lapsed lately.  With it coming into party season, our anniversary and both birthdays in one month - makes for a month of goodies.  I went to the gym for a bit, but carting miss 1 to a babysitter, gym then going back made it take almost 3 hours.  To do that 3 x a week? NO WAY!

[caption id="attachment_93" align="alignnone" width="225" caption="just a couple of weeks ago"][/caption]

My delightful in-laws see my desperation of wanting to exercise, but having a busy 1 year old who is rather determined beyond her years.  And, they see their son, skinny, but a nice round POT forming on his front.

Birthday = NEW ROWING MACHINE!! I like.

So, now that the "party month" is over, I set myself a new goal.  I call it - the "30 day challenge".  I have a month.

Goal = get fit, and lose AS MUCH of the remainder of the weight that I can.  And hopefully tone up pretty much my whole body the "problem areas".

I still struggle with my eating - and I can help myself - but I don't really have the power to change me.  God does - so I've been asking Him for victory.  And I KNOW He is going to give it to me.

I will check in to say how I'm going.  Day 2 - I'm feeling good and have rowed both days.  Might need a rest tomorrow.

[caption id="attachment_94" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="My AWESOME friend Kristy and I... enjoying a special moment together"][/caption]

 

You can read about that amazing lady above - here http://www.paisleyjade.com/