Hope Out of Despair #2

Grab a drink and get ready to read....

Straight after our last baby, Mr E, was born and eventually came home, I was adamant I would not have any more children.

During my labour I was informed that "you better stop having babies, your babies keep coming earlier and earlier!!!"

I accepted that was true, it was afterall a fact, and I definitely didnt want to do an earlier one next time round.

So I gave all I had away.

All my baby gear apart from my biggest stuff, as I no longer needed it, I gifted it off. All my clothes, as he grew out of them, gifted.  Everything.

Then, a little over a year ago, I felt completely undone. My heart was breaking and I couldnt understand why.

After some soul searching I realised that suddenly my mind was allowing me to feel the grief of the season we had been through.

And I felt like I was falling apart.

And so it was, allowing myself to feel the pain so that I could be healed, overcome it and be made whole.

And I went through so many emotions.

I would feel angry that other people "got it easy" and took their beautiful full term, just born babies home. Full of joy and celebration.  While I got ripped off, had to fight, and home-coming is agonising hard work (more than a regular newborn - which I have had once).

I felt undone and deep regret that I had been overcome with exhaustion at my newly home baby boys and vented my frustration at them in the night... they cried nearly all night long for weeks on end.

I felt pain at the sheer circumstaces surrounding their births, the loss of control and the inability to do things with for my baby that every mother has a right to do.

I was angry that my babies were almost taken away from me.

I faced the fact that twice my life was on the line.

It was NEVER meant to be like this.

Just deep deep pain. Heart ripped open. And bleeding. And tears. Lots of tears.

At the same time, I felt greatful. Almost guilty for feeling grief.

I was greatful for my life (in a new way)!

I was greatful for the lives of my two sons, one of whom should absolutely not be alive today.

I was greatful for the miracle of a beautiful, healthy child. No long term effects, just perfection.

I was greatful for the people I met, the connections I made, the hospitals, free medical care, midwives, doctors, nurses and teams who so lovingly cared for us and helped to save us.

Not everyone gets the 'happy ending' to their story.

I was greatful for our friends and family, and church family, who did more for us than I could ever say.

So, in the midst of that mess I had to let God come and heal my heart. I had to process my emotions and thoughts.

Its funny how you often think youve dealt with something fully and then suddenly your heart is ripped open and you realise that, no, the pain is there buried deep.

I thinks its so we are not overwhelmed by it- if it all came at once we surely couldnt cope.

Anyway, that was the start of this journey of hope. Agonising hurt. Raw pain.

But I let people in. My nearest and dearest knew my agony.

 I asked people to pray for me, and slowly the agony subsided.

Then I had a dream.

The dream was quite symbolic. I had chosen a 99.9% effective form of contraception mostly because I was terrified of pregnancy.

It went wrong in my body.

The dream was about me getting it out. I knew I needed to get it out.

So then began fear.

Fear is UGLY.

And I was terrified of pregnancy. I was terrified of a repeat or worse of what we'd had. All the what ifs came baring down.

I booked to have it removed and I had a month.

I cried EVERYDAY.

Why?

Well, I couldnt decide whether to make our three kids a permanent three. And time was ticking.

I ended up seeing my GP amd through tears asking how you "know" when you're finished having kids.

She graciously told me that I clearly wasnt ready to decide.

And we talked babies. We talked how my two premmie situations were freak events. We talked how they dont usually repeat themselves. 

And I had a glimpse of hope.

Over the course of time I started to daydream about holding one more baby of my own. About what I would call her/him (mostly her) and how she would look.

I thought of the implications of four. I weighed it up. But I couldnt get it out of my heart.

Meanwhile Dave was in a similar place. Fear, asking questions, yet longing for another.

A couple of months passed. Armed with a couple of dreams, several scriptures and a few support networks, we decided we would try.

We werent used to this baby business taking time....

And it took time.

I was obsessed. I couldnt get this baby out of my head.

I imagined I was pregnant. I had all kinds if very convincing symptoms. I was jealous of people pregnant. Jealous of people pregnant with their fourth! Not in a terrible jealousy way. I just longed. I took test after test. Nothing.

I got a glimpse of the journey of others, in a very, very tiny way. And had more compassion for them.

And I was sick.

I got diagnosed as underactive thyroid. Seriously under active. I had all the symptoms and now my blood showed it.

I told the doctor I wouldnt take medication. (Im not anti medication - this time Iit was just a real conviction I had).

After everything we had been through with hospitals and medicine, I had some promises that this was no longer my story, it was my history. And so I decided I would fight it.

The doctors said "your hormones are all affected. Fertility is affected. Without medication you probably wont conceive." Even then chances of miscarriage were high. I dont need to go through that again.

That day I surrendered my dream of a fourth child. I couldnt live obsessed. I needed to be well.

I also said "Im not having this. This is not my life. This is not happening to me." I was devastated and worried, yet determined to try to overcome without medication.

I researched a tonne. I changed my diet and dramatically shifted both my intake and schedule of coffee drinking. I used essential oils sparingly to try to aid normal hormone levels. I took a thyroid supplement.

I realised I had complete adrenal fatigue. I made the necessary changes to my stress levels and lifestyle. Treat fatigue, treat the thyroid.

I started to feel better!! I got my life back!

Four weeks later, I was pregnant! Pregnant!?!?! What!?

I had repeat bloods a few weeks after and was told....

"You are still slightly underactive. The specialist recommends medication as underactive thyroid can affect the baby... cause mental retardation, premature birth....." and the rest conprised a list of nearly every circumstance surrounding Mr E's birth.

Suddenly. Fear. Ugly fear.

I didnt want to be responsible for a child having long term effects because of my irresponsibility. Yet, ive been given a miracle when it was meant to be impossible.

Enter Soul searching. Heart searching. Prayer. Lots of talking. Dave and I decided to wait a week and get a repeat test. Pray for a miracle. To not act out of fear.

I rang the doctor and decided id get a second opinion from my usual GP. I asked for the thyroid numbers.

I discovered they had improved so much that they were near normal again.

I went to see my other doc, who was amazed at the results and very interested to hear what changes I had made. She agreed to repeat bloods.

The result, NORMAL. yes, NORMAL!!!!

So now Im being monitored. But not needing medicine.

I aslo discovered Id had glandular fever. No wonder I felt like a depressed, no energy or motivation, train wreck everyday.

So here I am, no longer a hypothyroid (thanks be to God), and a 16 week pregnant mama, my fourth on its way.

Taken from complete despair and brokenness, to complete hope, courage to risk again and face turning our dream into a reality. Now awaiting the arrival of this precious one. 100% confident that EVERYTHING will be ok.

In fact this time, Im believing for a full term, beautiful, healthy baby and a great story.

im confident all will be well no matter what.

Its my turn.

And it can be your turn too. Your turn to hope again and risk again.

More next time xxx

Hope Out of Despair #3

Close to the heart.....

When bad things happen to things close to the heart, often we find that our dreams, visions and hopes all come crashing down with it.

Maybe its a difficult season, not tragic, just a constant uphill journey... we get tired.

Maybe its tragedy, our life and all we thought seems to go up in smoke around us... where do we look, how do we move on from here?

Maybe its sickness, ill-health, disease, disillusionment, depression, discouragement.....

Maybe we don't even know what it is...

The reality of life is that there are mountains and there are valleys. No one is immune. Every single person faces trials and challenges.

Its what happens in you, in your heart, in your mind and in your world as a result of the things inflicted upon you. Thats what actually matters.

The truth is, as hard as it is, you CAN choose the outcome. You CAN choose if this thing will mean defeat or if you will walk until there's victory.

Im not saying you dont feel the pain in the moment. Im not saying we ignore grief, our emotions, our feelings or at all pretend that things are ok.

I am saying we can't stay there forever.

We must choose to face, and embrace the season of grief, pain or difficulty in order to move from it into a new season. It may take a long time, but as long as you are still walking through it, keep walking.

If you bury it, you will carry it. And unless it is given opportunity to be healed, it will likely destroy you later in life.

Scientifically its being proven more and more that most sickness and disease can be found rooted in some kind of unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment or brokenness that has resonated within a person for a long time. Sometimes so long the person has forgotten its even there.

We have got to learn to let things go, to let oyrselves be healed and made whole again.

We were designed to be connected with other people, people we trust, those who love and care and help to carry us through (or at least hear us out) during all seasons of life. The good, the bad and the just plain ugly.

We were also designed to be connected to our Creator. A loving God who gave everything for us. And when everything falls apart, He is really the only true and completely faithful friend who can be relied on 100% of the time for 100% of our needs.

If we dont look to Him, we will likely be filling the gap with something or someone else who just cant be that to us.

We were designed to live whole. To not carry the weight of the world. To not carry bitterness, unforgiveness, resentment or pain at our lifes circumstances.  We can try really hard to overcome, but I think most often that we cant truly overcome in our own strength.

We need support and we need the help of Jesus.

So if I could speak to your world today I would tell you to seek Him. To ask Him to help. Even if you dont know Him or doubt His existence. Ask Him to show you who He is.

My life is a story of brokenness, repaired and rebuilt by Him. He is worth knowing. He LOVES you more than you can imagine and He has seen everyday of your life.

He is the only one who can truly "save" us or make us completely whole.

Have courage to try again. Don't let go of the things that you "once" dreamed of.

Walk wisely and sensibly, but get up and walk.

Have hope dear friend. There is hope for change. There is hope for the things you have let die.

While there is breath, there is hope for better things ahead.

Jeremiah 29:11-14a NLT

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the lord.

Much love
Arna x

Hope Out Of Despair

How does one tackle a post about hope.....

I guess the main reason for my sudden re entry into bloggisphere is because I really strongly felt that I wanted, and needed to share my current journey with the world.

I know I get readers from all over the world to my posts about meningitis, Mr A's sudden premature arrival and then Mr E's prem arrival, miracle survival and thriving.

You see, my family has had upheaval after another for four years running. We faced one massive trial after another. My kids almost lost their mama twice, we almost lost two babies, we lived months at a time in and out of hospital and sickness after sickness.

We hadnt done anything wrong. We didn't do anything to deserve what was happening in our world.

It makes me laugh when I think, the two questions I have been asked most often as people discover I am pregnant with number four is 1) was this baby a surprise/planned? And 2) are you going to have a fifth!?

Yes. Our baby was planned. Was it an easy choice? Not by any means.

Am I going to have five...? Not on my watch ;-)

We have always wanted four kids. But our other three havent "come" easy. Sure, we havent had fertility battles and all the heartache that comes with that- (we are so blessed)- but we have had to FIGHT.

And, as you all know.... you eventually get tired of fighting.

So, I'm going to do a mini series on hope.

I read a quote the other day that said "hope says 'lets try one more time'".

I couldnt say it more aptly myself.

So this baby is my hope baby. It is my "lets try one more time". Lets risk it all over again for the sake of what we have so desperately in our hearts.

Lets be hopeful things will be different- but steadfast knowing that even if they aren't, it will be ok. Because our hope is not set on something imaginary. It is set in Someone who has led us down this journey and been with us every moment.

More to come....

What's New Around Here!?

Well, since I last wrote....

1) we sold and moved house.

We live in a home now that we had only dreamed of. Twice the size, beautiful, and better than we could have hoped for. Its a whole story in itself about how it came to be!

2) my miracle baby boy turned one, and then two!!

I was just cuddling him earlier today and remembering how much we are blessed to have him, hold him and love him.

3) Miss Adelaide is now 5 and at school!!

And loving life in her delightful and joyful way as always.

4) Mr A is 3 and loving kindy.

He is still full of fire and fun and testing the waters and boundaries of every and anything. He's amazing.

5) I started and finished my study in Beauty Therapy - one of my life long ambitions.

6) I started working part time

In admin. Its fun :)

7) we worked through all the crazy emotions and grief of the past few years and decided we would risk again.

Im now 14 weeks pregnant with number 4!!

 8) We overcame some serious health issues - refusing medication, by prayer, by nutrition, reducing stressors and using essential oils....

I havent been a hospital patient since March 2013. Thats a massive victory in my house!!!!

Anyway, more about some of the above another time!!

Its Been So Long

My oh my, its been such a long time since Ive been here.

I couldnt decide whether to just start a new blog, or relaunch this one!! But this one is still me and my heart!

So.... watch this space, posts and updates coming soon!!

x

Arna